July 30 Writing Exchange 2010

WRITING EXCHANGE

Entry #23
I have not done anything in here that I haven’t already done a thousand times. Time sits on my hands like a whale. I’ve come to know how painful a minute can be, and how unbearable each hour. Although I cannot make my understanding any clearer, I understand that time itself is nothing but emptiness, and that a person is not made for emptiness. Minute after minute, day after endless day I sit in my room. The whale lowers itself onto my hands, and I now come to know the long wait of my uncle.
I am a young man of many hopes and dreams. Whether they will come true or not, I cannot tell you. I am almost 18. Late in the night I sit in my room, thinking silently. Thinking about my family, the people I love so much, and the same people I fail to take into consideration when I’m out doing my dirt. When I’m out doing my thing I do not think about how much I will miss them while I’m in here. I wish I could take all the time I’ve spent in here and do it all over again with them instead. I miss them. I just want to go home.

Entry #24
I went to court and sat down in my seat. The D.A. said nothing, just extended my court date and that was that. As I walked off I caught a glimpse of my niece and thought to myself, “Wow! She’s growing up good, but without her uncle that she’ll never get to know.” Tears ran down my face.
And that was it. Back into the hall and my cell I went. With my rap sheet a mile high, rotting away while the time flies by.

Entry #25
The river of life flows rapidly. The waterfall of death falls gently. No one really wants to get to that waterfall, yet we all want out of the insane rapidness of the river. Is it possible there is a side route, leading to a gentle and inviting pond of well-being, happiness and serenity? To take a chance is the only way to find out. The side route is a possibility, but will it lead to the gentle pond you want? Or will it lead to an even closer, less gentle waterfall? Or maybe even another rapid river that takes much longer to reach that waterfall? There is only one way to find out.

Entry #26
I was a girl who thought I could never get into trouble.
I am now a girl sitting in ‘juvi’ thinking, “What happened?”
I will be a girl who learns from her mistakes.
I was a girl that was the apple of her family’s eyes.
I am now the girl that caught them all by surprise.
I will be the girl they have wanted me to be.
I was the girl who got only A’s and B’s.
I am now the girl never seen in her seat.
I will be the girl you wish you could be.
I was the girl doing nothing other than smoking weed.
I am now the girl as sober as can be.
I will be the girl clean and free.
I was the girl thinking, “How could this be?”
I am now the girl seeing that it was all for me.
I will be the girl I want to be!

Entry #27
I just want to run,
Run away from the pain.
I want to get out of this place,
and feel soft sprinkles of rain on my face.
I feel like I am alone,
with nobody on my side.
I just want to fly,
fly away to Cloud Nine.
I am scared, although I hide my fears.
I am sad, although I hide my tears.
I wanted to run,
but yet I stayed.
Now every chance I get,
I shove the world away.
And maybe, just maybe….
I have lost my will to change!

Entry #28
I am a minor sittin’ in the hall.
I wonder when I’ll be able to see them all.
When will I ever get out?
When will I be able to scream and shout?
I am a minor sittin’ in the hall,
because I couldn’t control my alcohol.
My stupidity landed me in this place.
Now I wonder when I’ll see their face.
I am a minor sittin’ in the hall.
The youngest one, of them all.
I’m only 14 and a newlywed,
wondering when I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed.
I am a minor sittin’ in the hall,
with no one out there for me to call.
I used to be that girl, so sweet and nice.
Now I’ve caught everyone by surprise.
I am a minor sittin’ in the hall.

Entry #29
I am alone. I feel like there is nothing for me in the world. I am alone. I lost everything I loved. I am alone. I lost my Dad, he is in jail and it’s my fault. I wish I had just listened to him. Then he would be with my Mom. I am alone. I lost my brothers and sisters. I have 5 brothers and four sisters and 7 of them are in foster care. My older sister is with my Mom; my older brother is in jail. I am alone. I am in ‘juvie’. I can’t help my brothers and sisters, I can’t see them. I am alone, my life sucks. I wish all of this shit never happened to my family. I am alone now, I have nothing to lose. I am alone.

Entry #30
I remember waiting and waiting but that day never came.
Sitting here at my home to claim.
I stare at the white walls but they put me to shame.
Start counting the bricks, then loose count and start again.
But all those bricks do my friend, is hold you back from messing up again.
As you get out, that comfort is gone, and you’re right back to doing wrong.
It is bad deeds, and smoking weed.
I do as I as I feel, feel as I do, but in the end it comes unglued.
I am right back to where I started, staring at the white walls.
They welcome me back home, lost but not gone.
As I am moving back into room 16 again.
The staff yell at me, what a failure.
I blow them off and get my time done.
Within my cell I hear cries; there the tears drop off my side.
I remember waiting and waiting.
Now it is up to my Mom to help me, I am only 15, learning to live.
To do the best I can.
It’s hard, but I can live, got 3 months in ‘juvi’, waiting and waiting.
Then probation will come to take me away,
But not to ‘juvi’, to home, family, and friends.

Entry #31
I was a kid when my Mom would hit me. Those were the worst days of my life. She’d beat me for no reason, just because I was a ‘bad’ child. To her I wasn’t her daughter that she loved and cared for. I was just another person taking up space. I wanted so bad to have her love. Deep down inside I knew that would never happen. She’d whoop me with belts, hangers, even the cord to the vacuum cleaner. She’d scream her head off talking about how crazy I am, saying I was the devil’s child.
Then one day after she beat me I told myself, “Never again will I let this happen to me.” From that point on, every time she would get that look on her face I’d run and hide all the belts I could find. I knew I was by myself, but what could I do about it? Crying at the age of 9 about my Mom beating the hell out of me wouldn’t solve anything.
I’m 15 now, locked up with an anger issue that is out of control and people wonder why I am like this. When you read this don’t feel bad. Just know that you’re not alone.

Entry #32
If you really knew me you would know that when I was born my Father abandoned me. My Mother gave legal guardianship of me to my Grandmother and when I was 12 my Mother tried coming back into my life. If you really knew me you would know that it’s a struggle every day to keep my life ok, there is no end to it, just another beginning. You would know that I’m the one who takes care of my family when it should be that we all take care of one another. You would know that the person who took care of me when I was a baby is now the person I take care of. You would know that I’m only 15 and I already try to fight for what is right. You would know that when I was 12 I was raped by my friend’s uncle and now it’s hard for me to trust guys. I go every day wondering if he is coming my way to do it again. You would know that it’s hard for me being in juvenile hall, missing my boyfriend. Every day, wondering if he is ok. Hoping and praying that when I get out he’ll be there. I don’t get along with the kids in here. I don’t care, all I care about is getting out.

Entry #33
I am all about self-preservation. I was only dealing drugs so I could put food in my stomach. I’ll be honest for once; it was the easiest way to maintain a constant high. I hate this place and at times I hate myself. Life is difficult; we all know this is true for most that are in a situation such as this. Life doesn’t have to be like this. Everything is based on perception. Negativity becomes like a magnet and draws more negativity. A little bit of positivity will get you a lot farther. Right now I have life, a family, food, blankets and a roof over my head. I am grateful. Happiness is found within myself. No one can give it to me. I just have to look.

Entry #34
I am only 16 years old. I’ve been going to court with the others for almost 5 months. My next court date is coming up and all I can think of is that it’s my first time being locked up and I’m going to do 25 already.

Entry #35
I was labeled bad before I did anything.
I am a kid pushed to my present condition.
I will be someone above the statistics.
I was committing crimes to fee the family.
I will be someone my family can be proud of.
I was just a kid trying to get by.
I am working for an education.
I will be self-sufficient.
I was what I was.
I am what I am.
I will be what nobody expected me to be.

Entry #36
I remember walking with my cousin, talking about what we were going to be when we grew up, and the next thing we knew a bunch of gang members ran up and we started fighting. They were trying to jump my cousin because he was in a gang. Soon my cousins on the ground with a bullet in his head. I got on my knees and held him in my lap and cried. I remember the cop’s sirens. A lot of things were going through my head. How long was I going to get in jail? I have a family to think about. What about my nephews? They’re going to be with one less uncle. Was I going to survive this?
Next thing I remember I had handcuffs on with cops surrounding me. I remember waking up in a cold cell thinking “What the hell?” I was surrounded by four walls with a blue door and a little window. Two months later I remember the look on my Mom’s face when I got out because they had found the person who killed my cousin.

Entry #37
I recall being kicked out onto the streets. That is when the life of a criminal started for me. I needed money for food, beer, pot, cigs, and pipes. I couldn’t find a job so I started asking people for money. I found out some people are nice and I found out that some people are scared of the homeless. In February I got my dog. He was 10 months old and as big as a Pit-bull. He was a mixed breed of German shepherd, Pit-bull, and Rottweiler. He kept me company. I’ll admit it was hard taking care of me, and a dog. Occasionally my friends would stay on the streets with me and help me out. I started to enjoy living on the streets because there was no curfew, no rules, and no limit to how much I smoked or drank. That’s when I got arrested and put into ‘juvie’. I was picked on and I hated my life. I regret what I did but I can’t change that now and I wish that I could. I wish I could re-start my life and make the best of it but that’s impossible. When I was on the street my grades went down and I am now below standard. I’m one of those people who don’t like to be caged up. I like to be free.

Entry #38
The Horrible Person
I’m 8 years old. My Mom got a new boyfriend 2 weeks ago and he’s already broken her nose. He hits me and my siblings. When we run to comfort our Mom he throws dishes at us. As he throws punches and objects at us my oldest sister shields us so we don’t get hurt. Soon, her nose is bleeding. Finally she tells my Mom, “This needs to stop!”
My Mom looks at my sister’s freshly bruised and bloody face and says: “That’s it!” She calls my uncle and minutes later he comes through the door to our rescue with our Dad. They hit him, and then hold him until the police come for him. Fear is over, pain is gone. We are free to embrace our Mother with love. We are a family again. We are rid of the horrible person.

Entry #39
I was lucky I had everything I needed.
A couple of years back I was young and conceited.
Until the day came, that my Mother was gone.
It will never be the same.
Why did you leave me? What did I do?
If it wasn’t for your alcohol I’d be sitting next to you.
I’m a wise guy now, and learn from other people’s mistakes.
Sometimes in reality, death is what it takes.

Summer 2010

Entry #1
I remember waking up in a cold room on the ground to my mom screaming and my brothers yelling. I walked in the next room and my dad was beating my mom. I remember my older brother got my dad in a headlock, socking my dad and the next thing I remember is my brother pulling a gun out and shooting my dad. Next, I remember standing over my dad and his last words to me: “I love you son.” I remember the look on my brother’s face after the cops arrested him.
Three months later I remember going to my brother’s court date and the judge sentencing him to 25 years with the possibility of getting out on parole in 10 with good behavior because he was protecting my mom. My mom fell to her knees saying, “No, don’t take my son away from me.”
Four months later, I got to talk to my brother for the first time. I remember him saying, “Keep your head up and be the man of the house.”

Entry #2
A Young Father
A young father struggling
Looking for an easy way out
On my first day of school I was tripping
To comfort me there was no one around
An innocent father with all hope gone
I find myself destroyed by drugs
Will I forget about my daughters because I’m destroyed by drugs?
I go to school and work
And face a new problem every single day
I learn about useless things in class everyday
But soon will I get myself together
I don’t even know that myself
Because it’s a struggle to survive and I’m feeling
Twisted in different zones of living everyday
My life is just like a boat I have to try and stay afloat
With the ups and downs there is no way I can tell if a wave of
Emotions will make me sink deep in a cold place where a heart can’t bear
I’m just a young father trapped in a place full of space
Struggling to live my life and make the best for my little girls

Entry #3
I used to be such an innocent girl: straight edge, great family relationships, and amazing friends. But something happened, something unlike me. Alcohol became my life. Day by day I began stealing bottle after bottle, getting as drunk as I could and putting myself in the worst situations. Breakfast, a beer. Lunch, a bottle. Night, who knows where I am or what I am doing? I’m wasted. School became my last priority. Mom and friends worried, telling me alcohol leads to drugs, but do I care? No. I’m the selfish user, now addicted to ecstasy, pawning stuff I used to value for the drugs I feel I need. Pill by pill, I
feel my brain going mad, but do I care about myself? I guess not. Cocaine crazy, but my body feels somewhat lazy. I snort some lines and feel divine; minutes later I want to commit a crime. Another 40 bucks down the drain, for a drug that can cause so much pain. My pretty face, turning into waste. My fate depends on these sins, but something inside me is nudging me to stop. I can’t stop. Drugs and Alcohol are all I’ve got. More and more, life’s starting to turn into a bore. Addictions got me hooked, whishing I could take a good look….at what this is turning me in to. What happened to that smart beautiful young girl? Drugs and alcohol are now her world.

Entry #4
Myself
I sit in a pool of emptiness and despair.
Everyday I wish for someone to come, but no one is there.
As I sit in my cell, in a puddle of tears,
I can do nothing but face my fears.
I’m alone on this journey and can’t accept any help.
For the only person to blame for this is myself.

Entry #5
I remember when I was seven. My dad was never there.
I remember when my dad came home from tweaking and just slept.
I remember when he would get up and be angry and beat me and my brother.
I remember when my mom came home and she would ask what happened. My dad always told us to say we were playing and fell and hit our face.
I remember when I had to take care of my brother because nobody else was there to do it.
I remember when me and my brother drank all of the Kool-Aid and my dad woke up and wanted some. He beat us both with the pitcher.
I remember when me and my brother were playing and I gave my brother a black eye and he went and told my dad. My dad got some rope and tied it to the tree and tried to hang me.
I remember my brother standing under me so I wouldn’t die and he stood there until somebody walking down the street got me of the rope. My dad said he was sorry, but I know he wasn’t. He told me not to tell my mom.
I remember when me and my brother found my dad’s dope stash. We told my mom. He thought it was my brother that told, so he tried to beat him. That’s when I told him it was me, so he hit me in the face and I fell to the ground. He tried to kick me, but I put my hands up and he broke my fingers and hands.

Entry #6
Regret
Running away
Is the thing I regret the most
Is the thing I chose to do?
Running away
Is the worst Thing I have ever done?
Running away
Can it get any worse than this?
Running away
Now I’m bad to the bone
Running away
Can my mom forgive me?
Now my family needs me
Running away
Now I have to sit in these six walls
Running away
These halls of hell
Running away
I need to get out
Running away
Can you help me now?
Running away

Entry #7
If I woke up and a miracle had happened in my life, it would have to be that I am not locked up anymore. I would go to sleep in juvenile hall and wake up seeing my bedroom not a cell. There would be the smell of breakfast in my nose and the sound of my little brother playing in the other room. I would feel warmth and happiness running through my body. It would have to be the nicest day of my life.

Entry #8
I remember April of 2009. That’s when my life had a dramatic change. I remember waking up still sick from all the pills I took the night before with four cops and a social worker telling me to grab what I can and that I would be placed in a foster home. The first thing that hit my mind was to run, but then they told me I was going away for just enough time to get off drugs and before I killed myself or hurt anybody else. I didn’t have a drug addiction like meth. I was addicted to the high of prescription medications. On a normal day I was taking up to 13 Norcos and then 10 Xanax at the end of the night just so I could go to sleep calmly and not feel the withdrawals through the night. I just didn’t understand why my mom had seen me in this situation for over a year and now wanted to do something about it.
I then went to a foster home where I stayed for two days before going on the run to Arizona to stay with a brother. I got tired of it after about a week of not having drug. I came back to California to live with my dad, where we just popped pills together. It led to both of us in a psych hospital for an OD. If no one would have seen us that next morning in the dining room and got the ambulance, we both would be dead now. When I finally got released, I went through 16 more placements, not counting running and sleeping under a walk path in the park just to stay out of the rain. My mom realized I didn’t want to help myself and gave up on me. Eventually, so did CPS. They then locked me up in April, where I will stay until my 18th birthday.
With the time I have been sober, I realized it’s nobodies fault but mine. Yeah, I still believe they could have tried to help me differently, but all that matters is I’m clean and clear headed. I just hope I can be as strong as I am now to keep the hatred for drugs and what they have done to me.

Entry #9
If you really knew me you would know that one day I decided to run from my group home. When I got back to my county, it was all fun and games and parties until one day I met my lady. She made my life do a 180. I stopped doing drugs and I stopped drinking. I was doing good and I even had a job and a place to stay. The thing is that after 3 ½ months of doing good, I forgot I ran from the group home and one day they finally caught me. I got locked up again. I was angry and sad at the same time, but I dealt with it. A couple of days later I call my girl and she has good news for me: she’s pregnant. That was the happiest day of my life. Than a month and a half later, I call her again and she has bad news for me. She had a miscarriage. When she told me I felt devastated. I didn’t know what to do. That was the saddest day of my life.

Entry #10
I remember the fights and the screams. So I would take off skating down the street. I remember the long nights with no sleep, with no electricity and no heat. I remember thick clouds of smoke and tons of little baggies filled with dope. It was like I was all alone, the only way to take the pain away was to get stoned. I wanted to just skate away and never look back. I never wanted to be around to face the facts. I hated my life and everybody around. I hated the way everything was going down. I hated my life and when I skated by everybody would stare. I knew exactly what they were thinking, “There goes the freak with the long hair.” But what they didn’t know is that it could’ve been over with one loud sound that carries through the air!

Entry #11
BIGGEST IMPACT
My Dad was the biggest impact in my life.
Before he passed away he wanted me to be a man and to take care of
My house and family when he was gone.
I feel like I failed him because I put my family through so much pain.
Look at me I’m locked up.
My mom is struggling out there.
He taught me everything I know today like how to drive, how to work on car’s, how to clean yards
He never gave up. He’s my motivation
Besides my mom, I just wish I could thank him for what he did for me and my family.

Entry #12
Dreams and Reality
In my dreams,
I have someone I can call my own,
But in reality, I am all alone.
In my dreams,
I can buy anything in the world, no matter the cost,
But in reality, I’m so confused and lost.
In my dreams,
I’m king of the stars,
But in reality, I’m just a criminal behind metal bars.

Entry #13
I remember when I was just a baby looking for the love my parents never gave me. I remember when my brother and the homies would get spun out in my room. I remember seeing them do shrooms. I remember looking up to my big brother. I remember him cussing at my mother. I remember seeing my brother tuck in guns. I remember seeing the cops take his freedom. I remember always trying to be like my big brother, even though his actions hurt my mother.
I remember when I was not so old; I remember the fist day that I stole. I remember getting arrested for the first time at 11. I kind of already knew I wasn’t going to heaven. I remember getting in trouble. I loved the feeling of being like my big brother. I remember getting jumped in. It was just over ten seconds.
My life has been nothing but trouble and stress. I think about dying. My life is such a mess. I’ve been locked up since 2009. I have been here for nine months. I guess that is just life.

Entry #14
I remember when I was eight. It was the first time I saw my dad. He just got out of prison after 9 years.
I remember when I was 9. It was the first time I told him I hated him.
I remember when I was 10. The judges told me I was like my dad.
I remember when I was 11 and all I could think about was, “I’m not like that punk.”
I remember when I was 12. The judge said my future was prison.
I remember when I was 13. The judge said, “I wish you luck in CYA.” Then he gave me 7 years.
Only if they really knew who I was. Only if they gave me the attention I’ve always wanted. I would never be here.
I remember when I grew up and said, “I love my father.” From that day my life came together.

Entry #15
Since the day I was pushed from the womb, I have been destined for the pen. My father was on the run for over 12 felonies and all my aunts and my uncle were in jail for murder…even my grandma. I got jumped into a gang when I was eight and since that day, I just pushed myself closer to the gates of high dessert with my grandpa. Even though she smokes dope, I hate what I have done to my mother. I hate the fact that my little brother and all his friends rep stuff that got me shot at and five of my friends removed from the turf. I hate that my daughter is growing up and I’m locked up for banging, hoping one day I could have the most tattoos or the most respect, the most connections, but in reality all I was doing is walking towards the gates of San Quinton. I try my hardest to change, but I feel it’s too late. I hope that if someone can get a message from this that you see if you love freedom, if you really love your life, that you won’t do what I did, because this really is not the life you see.

Entry #16
I remember when I went to court and the judge called me a threat to society.
I remember my parent’s crying when I looked into their eyes.
I can still see the disappointment but when they talked to me I saw they still loved me.
I remember the six of us sitting in court.
If you knew me, you would be mad at me for being locked up.
I remember seeing tears in my big bro’s eyes.
If you really knew me you would know I’m going to CYA.
I’m just sitting and waiting in the hall till I get transferred.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.
I’m just striving to survive, just to see my family and girl one more time.
I’m just wondering if I’ll ever get out.


Entry #17
If you really knew me you would say that I was a young dumb girl.
If you really knew me you would say that I was just happy all the time.
If you really knew me you would say that I was heartless.
If you really knew me you would say I was angry.
If you really knew me you would say I was violent.
If you really knew me you would say I was jealous.
If you really knew me you would say that I was a person who loved to drink.
If you really knew me you would say that I was a person that loved to smoke weed.
If you really knew me you would say that I do meth just because.
If you really knew me you would say I smile a lot.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I'm just a scared girl.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that being happy & loud is the only way I know how to cover my scars.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I was taught not to show emotions.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m violent because that’s the only way I know how to fight back.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m jealous because I’m afraid to lose another person.
If you really knew me you would KNOW I love to drink because truly I’m an alcoholic & that’s the only way I express myself.
If you really knew me you would know that I love to smoke weed because truly I’m a pot head and it’s the only way I know how to calm down.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I do meth not just because, I do it to hit or forget reality.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m just a sad, insecure, lost, young girl in this world!

Entry #18
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I guess you could say that I am for lack of a better word, insane. I have been catching felonies for the last two years, over and over again. At least I can say I’m consistent. They tell me drugs are my problem, so I get clean. I stay clean for a couple of months and then I get stuck with another felony and I’m sitting in the hall again, like, “What the ****.” I like to think I’m an accountable person. I know that I’ve made quite a few poor decisions and to be honest, I see no end in sight. I feel that I am prison bound. But I am not prison material. I have the will and the strength to get off this self destructive path, but I have no idea where to go after that. Part of me wants to say screw it and get high on any and every substance I can find. In the back of my mind, I know that if I did that I will be worse off than I am now. I just want to be rid of all of this. They say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, well, I don’t even know where the damn tunnel is. Confusion is an everyday thing for me. For now I will play it by ear…. things can only get better…what does not break you will only make you stronger.

Entry #19
A young soul, wondering on this earth as you are too.
Looking for answers for my life now, my life then, and what is to come when death arrives.
I don’t remember my first day of school, but I remember feeling as if I didn’t belong.
To comfort me I had sleep, because in sleep I had no boundaries, no fear, no one to judge or hurt me, and my mind and soul could wonder freely hand in hand.
An innocent soul turning to drugs to find some kind of release outside of sleep, and in the end, I spiraled down and I lost myself.
I found myself in sobriety because I could no longer hide from myself, my feelings and the world.
An Innocent girl longing for acceptance
Will I forget the pain?
The pain I caused? The pain I received.
I go to a special place to escape, but no longer in drugs, but in art and music, escape from all the painful thoughts that still conquer my mind.
I go to escape to a place where I am surrounded by euphoria and meet my soul again, and regain who I am and who I once was.
I learn about myself, my morals, and why I did the things that I did.
Now comes the time to forgive and forget, to be forgiven and love myself and others.

Entry #20
I remember that first hit of dope. That is the day I ruined my life. At first I loved it. It was my everything. It made me feel good, powerful, and on top of the world. Who would have thought I’d end up the way I did. I’d stay up for long periods at a time. I’d start hallucinating not knowing what to do with myself, but you see that didn’t stop me. I became a liar, cheater, and a thief. I’d steal from friends. I’d lie to my mom and run from probation. I did not give a damn about how I made you feel, I only cared about the pipe. At the end it got me nowhere, but locked up. Now I’m sitting here in the hall regretting everything I did, but what good does that do me. I’m only a kid.

Entry #21
If you really knew me………
If you really knew me….you’d know my birthday.
If you really knew me….you’d know my actions.
If you really knew me….you’d love me for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my situation.
If you really knew me….you’d be there for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my likes and dislikes.
If you really knew me….you’d write me.
If you really knew me….you’d see what I see.
If you really knew me….you’d know how much I like to hear I love you.
If you really knew me….you’d know that I love you.
If you really knew me….you’d care for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my middle name.
If you really knew me….you’d know I was addicted to drugs.
If you really knew me….you’d know who I was.
If you really knew me….you’d know the real me.

Entry #22
The Canary’s Song
Oh, sweet, little, yellow, song bird.
Oh, how I wish I could see you perched on my window sill once more.
Oh, to hear you’re soft, angelic voice again.
Oh, how I miss you truly.
Oh, how I miss your stories of faraway lands.
Oh, sweet, little, yellow, song bird.
Oh, how to hear you sing of freedom, life, and love.
Oh, how sorrowful it is to know your fate.
Oh, how shall I punish that fat, little Calico cat?

09-10 Exchange

Entry # 53
My New Year’s Resolution

When I was a young kid, like all kids, I had dreams and ambitions I was sure I would make true. As time went by and I matured I often wondered about the reality of my dreams. As the events played out in my teenage years and my interests changed so did my dreams and ambitions, landing me in a place I never even considered being in. Some would say “That’s life.” I’d have to say I disagree with that. If I was able to cause this mess then there must be a way to clean it up right?

As a kid the only thing that truly interested me was basketball. I dreamed of playing in the NBA as I watched Michael Jordan win championship after championship. I played on a travel team from 4th grade up until high school. In elementary school I was Most Valuable Player in 5th and 6th grade, and also in middle school. When I was out on the basketball court I felt a sense of confidence that I carried with me everywhere I went. I felt like there was no one on the other team that could stop me, and that confidence led to a lot of accomplishments off the court as well.

When I got to high school I was introduced to peer-pressure, drugs, and alcohol. As a freshman I was on the junior varsity basketball squad and started the season. After the season I was moved up to varsity. During the off-season, being curious, I got into some habits I thought were enjoyable. By my sophomore year I was ready to play varsity, but as some things went wrong I had to adjust. I found an interest in football and tried out for the junior varsity team. I had no idea my basketball coach thought I should only play one sport. He decided to put me back on the JV team and it deeply upset me. The coach and I had our differences and I chose to go my separate way and just play football.

My sophomore year I got into trouble with drugs and was put in an outpatient program. I hated the fact that I had to get drug tested twice a week and participate in group and awareness meetings. Instead of choosing to better myself and do what was expected of me, I felt like rebelling and I continued to use. I was cheating my way through a program which was also my probation. At the time I didn’t realize that what I was doing was completely wrong and nothing good would come out of it. I ended up getting sent to a continuation school because I was behind on my credits and I had poor attendance. When I got a dirty drug test I knew I was going to be put in custody so I went on the run. I was only on the run for about a week before getting caught and realizing what I was doing was not right. I had been running away from my problems for the past year and had lost a lot of my ambition from smoking weed and using other substances.

I was sentenced to six months in a substance abuse unit and when I was on the detention side I had reapplied my faith in God and asked him to save me from what I have become. I asked him to help me get through this time with strength, courage, and regain my ambition to do well. I have only been in custody for about three weeks but have learned a lot about what is right and what is wrong. I had been in a fog for the past year or so and being in here has given me a lot of clarity.

In conclusion, as the New Year comes around I hope to be clean and sober for the year 2010. However, what I really want is for my mind to be in the place that it was before I began using drugs. A place where I had no worries, had self confidence, and an imagination that would take me anywhere I wanted to go. I know that with another chance to do right with God now by my side I can accomplish whatever I want to. I’m sure there are a lot of kids that have been through similar situations as me, and what I hope they learn even if they haven’t been caught, is that it’s better to have what’s truly important to you than to be afraid to accept it.

Entry # 54
I think that all this time I have been acting stupidly, showing more love to my friends than to my family. Basically, I have loved my friends more than my own mom. I mean, when my mom wants me to do good, I do bad and when my friends need me to jump someone I do it. It just isn’t right. So I am going to start to show love to my mom like I have to my friends. I want to have a regular life with my girl and friends not with a bunch of guys in the hall!

Entry #55
I think my girlfriend is the closest person to me in my life.
She is going be 19 years old and we have a 4 month old baby.
When I was messing up, she would try to help me even though I would ignore her.
She never gave up on me and always was there for me. I know she wants the best for me. I’m trying to do better now, since my son is in this world. I want to be the father for him I never had!
My love has grown big for him and for my lady.

Entry #56
Locked up for the holidays
My birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine Day, I get to spend in the juvenile justice campus. Not only does that affect me, it also affects my family in many different ways. My mom feels like something’s always missing. Since my brother is 20 years old he doesn’t live at the house anymore, who is my mom supposed to spend her holidays with?
My first holiday locked up was Halloween. I had to think about how much fun all my friends were having that night and how I could have dressed up and gotten lots of candy. I got letters from my friends telling me all the things they did that night and how they wished I was there. I listened to my mom tell me she was crying all night because she knew I wasn’t happy. I didn’t think it was fair because I felt so lonely.
On Thanksgiving, yes, we had a dinner with so much food and everyone sat down and talked about how grateful they were, but there was still something missing. I’ve always had Thanksgiving with my mom, brother, step-dad, grandparents (from both sides), friends, and everyone I loved. Not this year though, this year I got to spend Thanksgiving in my room thinking about all of my family and how they miss me.
My third holiday is Christmas. Every year ******* always got the most presents. We are going to have a Christmas party here but without my family. My mom already told me this Christmas is going to be one of the worst days ever! I told her that if she wants the satisfaction of having a gift for me under the tree she can buy me a one hour back massage. She said that would get her hopes up and just remind her that I’m not there.
The rest of the days I’m missing are not as important as those three holidays. It still doesn’t feel good knowing that I’m incarcerated for all of the important holidays. Now I am going to appreciate the little things, just spending time with my family is all I wish I could do. I miss my family and just doing family things. When I get out I plan on making it up to my family in many different ways.


Entry #57
I think fitting in isn’t really important. Personally, in the past I did like to fit in when I was with a group of friends. One day I was walking with them and we saw someone that one of my friends hated. We ran after this guy dropped him to the floor and stole all the items he had with him. What I really felt bad about is that I did something very crude to him when he was all beat up. I just did it so that my friends would laugh and I would be able to fit in. Fitting in back then was necessary because I wanted to be respected by my friends. If you have friends that think that kind of stuff is cool you shouldn’t hang around with them.

Entry #58
A Guilty Conscience
The fact is that you know when you’re guilty. When someone confesses to a murder, it is because they can’t go on living as if nothing is wrong. When I was tweaking, I didn’t really care if I got caught or not. I hoped I would at first because I really wanted help. I just couldn’t stand it. I was living a double life. I was a loving son by day, stoner, cokehead, and tweaker by night. I was on the verge of destruction. With all the drugs that I was using, I was having a bad enough time. Plus, I was keeping it a secret. I just couldn’t stand it. When the cops came through my front door to arrest me, I didn’t care, I was relieved. My double life was over. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Even though I was going to get locked up, the pressure was gone.

Entry #59
The most important person in my life is my little brother because he is my heart. Because he is my younger brother, I have taken care of him and shown him the right way in life and to do the right things.

Entry #60
Growing up I was always my own person. I always had my own personality and individual way of doing things. Even as a little girl I would meticulously dress myself in an array of interesting garments. My signature outfit was a blue cowboy hat, rain boots, my mother’s slip and colorful scarves. I never thought twice about my wardrobe and it never occurred to me that no one else put on shows for their toys or rescued bugs from the rain. Around second grade I started hanging out with the ‘popular girls’. It was then that I started to notice I was well, a little different. These girls put me down for not being like them. Being so young, I figured, since everyone liked them, they would like me if I was more like them. So naturally, I began to emulate them in appearance and attitude. I tried this out until about 5th grade. It just didn’t suit me to be like these girls. I never felt more out of my skin. When I took the plunge and went back to just being me I realized that I was much happier. The new friends I acquired were much nicer and down to earth. I’m actually still close with a majority of them. Life’s better when you learn not to let other’s opinions and comments get to you. If you need to put on a mask to fit into a certain crowd, you’re only holding yourself back. I would suggest surrounding yourself with people who make you happy, not people who put you down.

Entry #61
I used to think that fitting in was always cool. I used to always try to fit in with people I didn’t like and did things I didn’t want to. There was one thing that I did that I regret even to this day, that was trying to fit into the wrong crowd. That crowd was known as The Tweakers. Always being so curious of everything, I decided to fall into the meth addict group. I thought that they were cool with so many friends and money, I wanted to fit into that category too. So by doing that I decided to hang out with them every day. I didn’t think that they were bad people or anything because I was so naïve.
After a couple of months hanging out with them and my two older sisters, they passed the pipe toward me. I was wondering when they were going to let me join them by smoking whatever the hell they were smoking. So I guess when they handed me the pipe I really didn’t hesitate much. The moment I took that pipe I thought I was cool and that everyone would be cool with me. I was dead wrong. After the next couple of months, I was incarcerated for possession of a narcotic. Boy even that didn’t slap me back into reality.
Now that I look back to the first day of trying to fit into a stupid group of people, I can just say take a look at yourself dummy, where are your so-call-friends now?

Entry #62
Hit of RealityDrugs were my life, all I thought about, All I liked.You misunderstand meI think I know whyBecause, you didn’t have as hard as a life as I.
Dad beat my momNow he’s gone, makes me feel I did wrong.
Step dad came in, now he’s daddyAt least he is proud of me
Slowly after being abandonedFinding out he’s gone, dead foreverDrugs jumped on the wagon
Now do you understand my addiction?Just being left for no reason
Feeling empty and coldMy true feelings show
So let me ask you, Are you still going to judge me?Now that you see deep down Why, I am me
This is my slap of realityyou don’t have the right to judge me


Entry #63
Friends

I remember.
I remember being with my friends, lighter in my right, the pipe in my left.
I remember the looks on their faces as I sucked in that harsh marijuana smoke for the first time.
I remember how high I got, and I remember how good I felt that I had finally done it. It was good.

I remember.
I remember being at my friend’s house, we had no more weed and still weren’t stoned.
I remember them breaking into their parents liquor cabinet and bringing out some hard ****, whiskey among them.
I remember slamming shots at first and then just finally guzzling the bottle.
I remember how drunk I got.
I remember what my friends thought of me. I remember that they were the ones that gave me the drink.

I remember.
At one time or another, I remember being at another friend’s house, another kind of drug, and another day where I got high on the drug for the first time.
And then I remember doing it again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
Weed, drink, coke, crank, thizzles, KJ, PCP, prescription pills, shrooms, heroine, acid, all of these and all of those combined.
All of these, I remember.

And here I am incarcerated for 6 months, remembering.


Entry #64
The Biggest Changes in My Life

I’ve had a lot of changes in my life. I don’t know where to start. I had a difficult time typing this because my past is very hard to talk about.

One big change in my life was when I was young and my mom and dad got a divorce. My dad didn’t want to take care of me and my older brother. My mom did what she could to be the good mom that she is. That was a really a big impact growing up without a father and mom always working to support us so we can have clothes, shoes and a roof over our head.

A big problem for me was I never went to see my dad and my brother was out with his friends getting in trouble. I would always promise mom that I would be good and not get into trouble. Yet I started following his footsteps and I realized that I was a lot worse than my brother was at thirteen. I was out drinking, smoking and doing whatever I wanted, because I didn’t know any better.

I always wanted to have money, so when my mom found out that I was smoking and drinking she stopped providing cash. I then got money by going out with my friends, stealing stuff, selling drugs or whatever I could steal to sell. I was fourteen at the time, always getting arrested and incarcerated.

I never really liked school as a kid and I was always in the office getting referrals, suspended, and even kicked out for talking back to the teachers. I never really got along with any of my teachers except one. His name was Mr.******, he helped me a lot during my time at school.

Now I am incarcerated talking about the changes in my life. The biggest change yet was being sentenced to the substance abuse program because this program is teaching me a lot of things. I am learning better ways to have a good relationship with my mom and deal with my drug addiction. I am not writing this for sympathy. I am writing it to encourage others not to live the way I lived. The way I was living was not good and now that I am being rehabilitated, I realize that doing drugs instead of going to school and stuff like that will mess up your life. Remember you can always change but you have to believe in yourself and want to change.

Dreams of the Youth Fundraiser November 13th!

Summer 2009 Writing Exchange II

Entry # 20
I AM
I am Lost and Alone
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I hear the cries of other innocent young women
I see the torture and humiliation
I want to escape this curse

I am Lost and Alone
I pretend that everything is going to be okay, all
I feel is pain and exhaustion, like I’m suffocating
I touch the rough textures of these walls
I worry that I will never escape
I cry silent tears

I am Lost and Alone
I understand how it feels to be tortured and humiliated
I say that “I’m okay,” when people ask, even though I’m not
I dream about my freedom
I try not to get my hopes up
I hope that one day I will escape

I am Lost and Alone
I created this path that I am walking on
I sing these words, as a way to reach out and ask for help
I work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week,
Just to see another day
I love things that I cannot have,
And that’s why
I am Lost and Alone

Entry #21
The tent shakes. I jump up, wondering what the hell just woke me up. It was my mom. She said, “Come on buddy, get up.” So I unzip my sleeping bag and throw on one of my three dirty shirts and hop out of the tent. It was around March 17th, 2005 and I had missed school for two weeks. I asked my mom, “What’s up? Why do I have to get up?” She replied, “We’re movin out. I’m sick of living in this camp site.” So I packed up my tent and my two pairs of clothes and waited for the cab. I asked, “Where are we going?” My mom stated, “We are going to another camp site. This place will have hot showers and they’re cheaper too.” So, the cab arrived, I hopped in, and we were off.

Entry #22
Today my uncle gets out of prison. He’s been there for four years, but it feels way longer. Right now I’m full of mixed emotions: I’m sad because I can’t be home when he gets out, but I’m happy for him at the same time. So much has happened since he has been gone. Last November his wife overdosed on meth and died. He also hasn’t been able to spend one day with his 3 year old son outside of prison visits. My uncle is like a dad to me. He was the only male figure in my life growing up. In his letters he talks about doing things as a family again. But now I’m worried that won’t happen because of my own problems with the law and drugs. If things go as planned I will be able to be with him soon, but lately I’ve been thrown a lot of curve balls. Now I’m just awaiting the unknown. One day I know things will be better.

Entry #23
I remember when I was eight and half. The person I thought was my real dad walked out on me. Three months later I got a call from the hospital, telling me my brother was hit by a car and he had a short time to live. That same day my mom got served with court papers saying my real dad wanted to meet me for the first time. I was nine years old. The person I thought was my dad was my step father and my real father lived three blocks away. The first time I met him I was twelve years old. I didn’t know what to say. My whole life was I lie. By the time I was thirteen I moved in with my real dad, finding out I had three sisters and two brothers I never met. By fourteen I had lived with my dad for a year, and me and my sisters had bonded really well. When I was fourteen and half the cops came and took me to my mom’s. When I was fifteen I moved back in with my dad and just when I thought life was going good again, a cop showed up at my dad’s door and served me with court papers. A week later I went to court and got locked up for a month and half. The judge said I have to live with my mom again when I get out. I love and miss my family and hope one day we'll be back together again. I pray every night for that day.

Entry #24
ChAnGe
I was very young, and he was violent
I remember her crying, I got silent
I heard what he said to her and on the inside she was dying
I saw him throw her against the stairs
I worried every night because he was the one I feared
I thought her life was over and done that nothing was left of her to become
But, I want change.
I am who I always will be
I think my life is good to me
I need to do what I should’ve done because I want to be strong
I try to go to school and do my best
I feel anger and lots of regret
I forgive him now for he didn’t no what he was doing and
Now I can change.
I will be so good to me as I live a better life
now I am free

Entry #25
I miss my family. I miss hugging my brothers and sister. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss ridding around on my bike. I miss playing video games and playing football with my brothers and friends. I miss going to school and seeing all my friends. But instead of doing all those things, I’m in juvenile hall: going to school all summer, not seeing my friends, brothers, and sister. I’m not free.

Entry #26
I remember the night my great grandma passed away. She was only 82 years old living in a convalescent home with Alzheimer disease. My grandma and I would always go visit her throughout the whole week. She would ask when she was coming back home. We didn’t know what to tell her. She started getting sick and she wouldn’t eat. She got very skinny it looked like she was just skin and bones. It was sad to watch her die like that. One night my grandma and I went to visit her but we didn’t know it was going to be the last night we saw her. We walked in her room; she was asleep. She looked so peaceful. I went over there to run my fingers through her hair and my grandma told her that we loved her. My grandma and I were there for about 30 minutes then we left. We got home and were there for about an hour until we heard the phone ring. By the sound of her voice I knew it was bad. She looked at me and said “she passed away”. I started crying out loud. My grandma told me everything was okay but I still kept crying. My grandma told me that the lady on the phone asked if she wanted to see the body before they took her out. We drove over there and I wanted to be the first person to see her body. I was the first one to walk through the door and see her. Her eyes were closed but her mouth was still open. My grandma told me it was open because she had taken her last breath. At the funeral my cousin and I sang one of her favorite songs. I will always remember that day.

Entry #27
Early one morning I ran away from home. Mom and dad still asleep, they didn’t know I took a gun from dad’s closet. I walked for an hour. Then I finally came to a gas station and asked the guy for a pack of smokes. He said he wanted to see an I-D. That is when I pulled out the gun, but when I took it out the girl that worked in the store called the police quickly. They arrived really soon. The man said to go outside. I saw 6 cars and no cops. Then one of them yelled for me to get on the ground. I put up my hands and got on my knees. A cop came up and twisted my arms behind my back, pushed me to the ground and then he cuffed them. Then I was pulled up from the ground and taken to the cop car. Eventually I was taken to the station where I waited for almost an hour before a female cop arrived to take me to the hall. Before we could go to the hall we had to go and sit in the hospital for a long time it seemed. Then we finally went to the hall.

Entry #28
I am the echo of a small bright sparkle on a cold dark surface.
I understand that I shall never lose my shine, no matter how rough this world can be.
I ignore the hands that have a hold on my feet, because they will never be strong enough to bring me down.
I dream with my blue eyes, wide open and alert.
I try to make these dreams come alive in front of my eyes.
I hope with my whole heart that I can burry my addictions deep beneath the ground, so that I may soon enough be able to be free of the chains that disable me from moving.
I am the echo of a small bright sparkle on a cold dark surface.
I create images in my mind of happier times, so that I might be free of this nightmare surrounding me.
I work for a life that might not exist, but might also be right in front of my fingertips.
I put a smile on my face, maybe not a smile for how things are now, but for what they could be in the future.
I am the echo of a small bright sparkle on a cold dark surface.

Entry #29
I said I wouldn’t do it again, but I did
And now I’m back here, paying for it.
This is a habit that I am too comfortable with.
I want it to stop,
I want to break the cycle.
This has gone on far too long.
Hopefully this will be the last return
Hopefully I can leave it all behind
This will just be a part of my past.

Entry #30
I remember that first day I got locked up. I was full of anger and hate.
If you really knew me you would know that I really miss my girl and my family. You would know I am a good hearted person who tells the truth and is loyal.
I miss my family, my girl, and my friends. I miss my bed and my hot showers. I miss my dog and my room. I miss my school and my teachers. I miss my freedom most of all. I miss the sunny days and the cool wonders of the night sky.

Entry #31
I remember moving to this County and continuing my bad choices and habits. I had already been arrested 5 times and had 11 curfew tickets for being out on the streets too late. By the time court came around, I was doing things I thought I would never do. I would steal money from my own parents and spend it partying. That all stopped the day I went to court and the judge said, “Detain him.” Those words hit me like a freight train at full speed. At that time all that went through my head was, how can I be such a bad person and make this happen? I got to the juvenile hall intake and a big, tall man gave me hall clothes and told me to change into them. He took me to the pod and said, “Head up to room ten.” I sat in my room wondering how I could change my life and quit being a criminal. 97 days later I got out on probation and on EMP (ankle monitor). I spent the whole summer sitting at my house. After finally getting off EMP, the worst thing happened. I got into a fight and my PO found out.

Entry #32
If I could take back some things that happened to me I would start with my dad leaving or even not letting my mom start using dope, so she could take care of the family that was slowly falling apart. I would take back the pain, the tears, the cries, and the violence. Let me stop right there. I know I can’t take back any of those things, but I know I can get a new start when I get out.

Entry #33
I hate you because nothing ever goes my way.
I hate you because you are always yelling at me.
I hate you because you made my life miserable.
I hate you because I am not as reliable as you are.
I don’t hate you.
I hate myself.

Entry #34
6:30 AM My dad comes in and wakes me up saying my aunts in the hospital and to get in the shower and get dressed.
6:55 AM I’m out of the shower, dressed, and we get in the car, heading for the hospital.
7:40 AM We arrive at the hospital and wait for my aunt to get out of surgery. She’s got two bullet wounds.
9:30 AM My aunt gets out of surgery, but she’s still asleep from surgery, so we sit and wait.
2:30 PM My aunt finally wakes up. My dad asks her if she knows who did it. She says that it’s the same people that jumped my cousin.
3:30 PM My aunt falls back to sleep. Me and my dad get in the car and drive back home.
4:20 PM We finally get home and I pull out a sack and ask my dad if he wants to smoke with me to calm his nerves as well as mine.
Sometime later that night, I just finished the fifth of E&J and decide to walk to the park. Then I see the same group of people who jumped my cousin. I wake up the next morning in the hospital with seven stitches in my head and a concussion.

Entry #35
I was an innocent young teen
I remember the day I lost my grandpa
I heard my mom say he was dead
I saw my grandfather lying in the casket
I worried about how my family would take the loss
I thought I wouldn’t make it without him

But I want to change…
I am a strong, beautiful African American girl
I think that life has a purpose for everyone
I need to be a better person for myself
I try to change for the better but it’s hard
I feel proud of myself for my success
I forgive my dad for not being there when I needed him the most

Now I can change…
I will make better choices
I choose not to get involved with bad influences
I dream of being a better person
I hope that I make it to college
I predict myself being a lawyer
I know I will succeed if I try

I will change..

Entry #36
I can’t understand why I want to cry.
I can’t understand why I can’t be with my baby brother.
I can’t understand why I can’t go home and tickle the crap out of him.
I can’t understand why I’m so confused.
I can’t understand why my girlfriend left me.
I can’t understand why this life is so strange.
I can’t understand why I hear all these voices.
I can’t understand why I sing so much.
I can’t understand why I’m so horny.
I can’t understand why everything is spinning round and round.
I can’t understand why I want my ex.
I can’t understand why I keep thinking about sex.

Entry #37
Now Come Changes
I was a thugged out gangster with no love or no heart
I remember being posted on the block with a gun tucked in and selling drugs in the dark
I heard sirens; it was cops so I had to run
I saw this black and gray suit chasing me, reaching for his gun
I worried about not surrendering or putting up a gun fight
I thought to myself, I can’t do this, just get caught and call it a night
But I want to change
I am a lovable young man who cares what I do to make my parents glad
I think of setting goals for myself to get what I never had
I need a quite place to rest my head and redeem myself from bad stuff
Now I try to be trustworthy, responsible
And be a good role model, not in the cop’s car in hand-cuffs.
I feel that I can make it through this pain and suffering if I stay out of the hood.
I forgive myself for what I do that is up to no good.
Now I can change
I will be walking up the stage to receive a key to a lot of doors.
I choose to do good and not bad anymore.
I dream of better days every time I lay down.
I hope this evilness goes away and doesn’t come back around.
I predict everything is going good with me, my kids and wife.
I know I could do better and focus on opportunities that I get in life.
I will change

Entry #38
I should be a roll model, showing my little sister and nephews how to live life. I should be out instead of locked up. I should be getting a job, showing them at least this first thing. I should be telling them, actually showing them how to be or what everyone in the family would expect them to be. I should be doing things that will show them how to be successful and not go the route my life is on right now. I should be telling them that it isn’t tight to look at white bricked walls and listen to cell doors slam the rest of their lives. I should be out spending time with them, telling them that I want them to become somebody and not ruining their lives and being pieces of crap like I am. I should just wish to be a different person, the best role model in the family for my sister and nephews.

Entry #39
I don’t understand why I have to stay here 180 days.
I don’t understand why my dad would call the cops on me.
Now I’m in the hall not making money or getting paid.
I don’t understand why we have such big troubles in our family.
I don’t understand why I’m locked up.
I don’t understand why I’m writing or why me and my dad are always fighting.
I don’t’ understand why I have so many troubles. It seems every time I do good, something has to come along and pop my bubble.

Entry #40
6 AM I wake up to a bright light shining in my eyes and can’t fall back to sleep.
6:10 AM My door makes an annoying voice when it opens to let me know it’s my turn to take a shower.
6:15 AM I am back in my room after a cold 3 minute shower.
6:30 AM I think about how much I hate this place and don’t ever want to come back.
7:30 AM Again, I wake up to that annoying noise of my door opening, telling me it’s time to eat.
2:55 PM School is over and staff tells us, “Take it down.”
3:00 PM I think about how terrible my life has been going the past 6 ½ months.
4 PM I get my mail from staff to find out that my girlfriend has been hearing I cheated on her and how are we suppose to be together when I’m always locked up? I read we are broken up.
5:30 PM Back in my little brick room thinking bout why I can never seem to stay out of trouble.
8 PM I talk to one of my best friends and find out that his mom is in the hospital and that he has been having a bad summer.
8:30 PM I talk to my dad and hear about how all my family are worried about me and every time my dad talks to my mom, she’s crying because she thinks it’s her fault I’m a bad kid.
9:00 PM I’m in the cell for the night, thinking about how I need to straighten my life out before I go to prison.

Entry # 41
Change
I was very careless, crazy, dumb, and young.
I remember my parents getting divorced and my family falling apart.
I heard my mom had another man and that we were moving in with him.
I saw many gang members and drugs try and come my way.
I worried that if I wouldn’t hang with them I wouldn’t be good enough.
I thought I was going to end up at J.J.C. for a while.
But, I want to change.
Now, I am caring, neat, respectful, quiet, and hard working.
I think staying in school and behaving is the best thing to do.
I need to get out of here a.s.a.p. and be responsible for my life.
I’ll try to stay out of here and succeed in life and stay away from trouble.
I feel sad, depressed, lonely, frustrated, but also excited for when I get out.
I forgive my mom for lying in court about me and my step sister for snitching on me.
Now I can change.
I will not ditch school and I’ll try to have a positive attitude.
I choose to act different in school so I can get better grades.
I dream about being happy with my boyfriend and my family.
I hope my mom can someday accept him and my mistakes.
I predict myself graduating and having a really good job.
I know I will stay away from violence.
I will change.

Entry #42
I can’t understand why I wanted those cigarettes.
I can’t understand why I took that gun.
I can’t understand why I snuck out.
I can’t understand why I feel so bored.
I can’t understand why I feel so depressed.
I can’t understand why I hear voices.

Entry #43
The last few months I was out I was doing pretty bad. I’ve got a bad addiction to meth and heroin. I still haven’t seen a change in myself, but since I’ve been back in juvi, all the staff have told me I’ve been acting weird. I thought the first couple of weeks I was in here that I was acting odd because I was coming down, now I don’t know why. I wonder if the people on the outs think I’ve changed too. But that’s the least of my problems. The third day I was here I had court and I got to talk to my mom for the first time since she found out about my addiction. She looked so sad and the days before I got locked up she broke up with my step dad after five years. Now he wants the house and we aren’t going to have anywhere to live. I guess we can move back to my grandma’s. And, my sister has been wanting to try heroin and meth, because of me and I’m the only one that can stop her, but I’m locked up.

Entry #44
Locked Up
I’ve been locked up for half of my life.
Juvenile Hall, CYA, group homes, and now ROP.
I’ve been locked up for all my school years.
What do I do? I keep trying to break that cycle of my family, but every time I try, I just come back to square one.
Now I’ll be gone until my 18th, so I guess this is it. No more little juvi. It’s the big house now.

Entry #45
6AM I was passed out when I was awoken by my PO. I woke up, opened my door, and looked down the stairs. He told me, “Put your hand’s up where I can see them and walk down here.” I walked down as they pulled my little brother out of the shower and they told us to sit down.
6:30AM They started to look around my room and they found a lot of gang stuff that I am not to have. My PO walked towards me asking whose stuff it was. I looked at my little brother and back at my PO and told him, “It’s my stuff.” He was talking to my brother now: “If that’s the only thing we find your brother is going in and you will stay at home on EMP.
7AM The CHPD told my PO to come upstairs because they found something. They found a gun in the house, came downstairs, and grabbed me and my little brother. They put us in the transport and took us to the hall.
8AM We arrived at the hall and have been here since.
We went to court the next day and they told us they only got us for a VOP. Now were doing months instead of 8 years in C.Y.A.

Entry #46
Present: The person in my life who made the biggest impact was my little brother. Before he was born I was the single child. I want to turn my life around because I have to think of him. I don’t want him to be like me. I want him to be better and not be a trouble maker. I love my little brother. He’s the only one that I have; I don’t have a dad either so it’s all bad. I will change my life for my little brother, so he will be better than me. I would hate for my brother to turn out like I am. I was bad and ignorant going down the wrong path.
Future: I was a follower instead of a leader, but now I know, I have to be a leader for my little brother as he looks up to me. I changed my life now and I’m doing good. My little brother is looking up to me. He is four years old following my footsteps, with a good head on his shoulders and a bright future.

Entry #47
During my 16 years of living, I have seen a lot of my family get locked up. My dad went to county for a couple of months when I was younger for Domestic Violence. My mom was also arrested when I was younger for fighting my dad. When they were in county I went to a foster home for 6 months.
My aunt has been in and out of prison most of my life. She just got off parole which I am proud of her for because I don’t want her to go back for 5 more years over meth. I tell her all the time to just put the pipe down. My uncle is in prison right now serving 7 years for drugs. My cousin’s also getting out of jail for drugs. My brother pays a visit every now and then for a drunk in public.
I’ve seen a lot of family go behind bars and now I’m doing 4-6 months. I can see a pattern that I don’t like. I have to straighten my life up or I’ll be in prison just like the rest of my family.

Entry #48
I can’t understand why I do the things I do.
I’m sitting here in juvenile hall wishing it wasn’t true.
I can’t understand why I keep messing up and coming back
But, I’m sure it’s because of the willingness I lack.
I can’t understand why I hurt the people I love.
I have to stop. I can’t push, I can’t shove.
I can’t understand why my mom keeps trying,
When all I do is keep on lying.
I want to let her know that I’m sorry and I love her so much.
I miss her smile, her laugh, and her touch.

Entry #49
I can’t understand why I keep getting locked up.
I can’t understand why I have to do what I do.
I can’t understand why I have to go on MAP or go to placement.
I can’t understand why my dad died when I was six.
I can’t understand why I don’t have freedom.
I can’t understand why I failed EMP (Ankle Monitor) two times.
I can’t understand why I keep flippen out in here.
I cant understand why I have to be 21 to drink a beer.
I can’t understand why…

Entry #50
I followed my older brother’s footsteps and did some of the stuff he did. Like him, I am locked up. I joined a gang, did lot’s of stupid stuff, and ended up here. My mama and pops would tell me I drank too much and smoked too much, but I didn’t listen. They told me that I would end up like my older brother and when I first got locked up, I realized I should have listened. One year later, I ended up back in here and heard both of my brothers are locked up as well. I feel so bad for my mama and pops because they’re going through so much. I followed my older brother and my little brother followed me. I guess that is how it is.

Entry #51
Angry thoughts consume my brain
I can’t wait til I find happiness again
Most days it seems so far away
The world keeps turning
But it seems I’m standing still
So many mixed emotions
Words can’t explain just how I feel
The soldier stomps the battle field
Starving for a fight
I know that I’ve seen better days
But can’t remember what they’re like
I’m a person with a life
But to the judge I’m just a number
For months and months no release
He leaves me here to wonder
How many tears can I shed until I’m drowning
I’m trying to fight it out
But I’ve got myself surrounded
I’m my own worst enemy
Don’t know what I’m gonna do
And I couldn’t stop myself
Even if I wanted to.

Entry #52
Being his lil sister is like giving me the world
Right by my side through thick and thin
Over the years we grew this bond and became best friends for life!
The times I was afraid and alone he was the one always there.
He’s the only one that I can talk to about certain stuff.
Even though sometimes he is far away, he’s still close at heart.
Rather hard times where I wanted to give up he told me to stay strong.
Showing me tough love and telling me to grow up has opened my eyes.

Many times I needed a shoulder to cry on: it was his I could lean on.
You’re my hero and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

Having you in my life and growing up with you has been an experience.
Everyday growing up without mom or dad we had each other.
Riding out the days and night as lil riders that we were at young ages
On the way is my baby and I hope that my baby sees you as his hero too

Writing Exchange Summer 2009

Writing Exchange
Summer 2009

Entry # 1
9:30 AM. Time to get shackeled up for court. I’m seventeen years old, getting chained up. They put the locks on my ankles so I don’t run away and they chain my hands to my knees with a chain and handcuffs. I get in the transfer vehicle and think to myself, I’m too young to go to prison. Suddenly we arrive. I walk through the hall and into the elevator. I get led into the court room and I see my family and my girl raising up my son so I can see him. Then I sit and the show starts. Everything is slow including time, then the judge said two words that hit me like a bullet: “Seven years.” My mind goes blank. I hear my family crying. I just get up and as I look at my family and everyone, they are all sad. I am not. I fill up with hate. Seven years in the state.

Entry # 2
I am a girl without a father
I wonder where he is
I hear people talk about him
I see his name on letters but never him

I am a girl without a father
I dream to be with him
I wish he never left
I pray to God to send him back to me

I am a girl without a father
I say to myself, why did he have to go
I think what its like to have a dad
I hope one day I will meet him
I am a girl with out a father


Entry # 3
I remember when I could walk down the street and not get judged for the way I look. I remember when I could stay away from drugs. I remember when I would go to school and kick it with my friends.
Now I’m a drug addict, stealing cars and playing around with guns. I can’t go a day without meth and doing something messed up to someone. Now I’m behind these prison walls locked up. Now my PO is taking me away from my mom and sending me to a group home.
I wish I was a different person than I am today. I wish I knew my dad better. I wish I could stop all my family violence. I wish I could stay out of jail. I wish I was a different person.

Entry # 4
Maybe…
Maybe if someone thought about something before they did it.
Maybe if someone took responsibility for what they did.
Maybe if someone did something for someone else.
Maybe if someone held out a hand to a crying face.
Maybe if someone gave one more chance.
Maybe if someone tried something new.
Maybe if someone had a little faith.
Maybe if someone gave a lot and took a little.
Maybe if someone said thank you.
Then maybe someone would make all the difference…

Entry # 5
Every time I come back to Juvenile Hall, I think about how I’m going to change, but I never seem to follow through with it once I get out. I’ve been locked up 5 times, but 3 have been in the past six months. It feels like I’ve been in here since December 26th when I came in. I did two months, got out, and then came back 14 days later. I did only 16 days in here and got back out, but only stayed out for a month and a half. Now I’m committed 180 days. I know I have a problem with drugs, but I just can’t seem to quit them. I have smoked weed since I was 8½ years old. It’s just an everyday thing for me. But now I’m force to quit. Otherwise I’ll go to a rehab placement for 9 months. I’m about to be 16 and I need to start thinking about where I’ll be if I continue what I’m doing: either dead or in prison, and that’s just not for me. So, I’ve been going to NA meetings in the hall and just trying to figure out how to live without any drugs in my life. I get out in late August and plan to never come back here or any other detention facility. One of the hardest things for me is when I go visiting for the first time I get back in here and see my mom crying.


Entry # 6
It was around 6:30 in the morning when I woke up in my friends car with blood all over me and the car. I asked my friend what happened and he said we got jumped and that they stabbed me. I looked down and saw a good sized cut on my right hand. I asked why and he said, “Because I shot at them right before we started kickin it last night.” I looked at him in disgust and asked why he didn’t tell me. He said he was scared and knew I would not kick it with him if he told me. He started to cry, saying, “I don’t know what to do.” I held him still and told him it was going to be OK. 6 weeks later someone came into his house and shot him 3 times. I write this, but still have so much respect for my friend who died in 2007.


Entry # 7
On the Outside…
I am loving
I am caring
I am intelligent
I am funny
I am always smiling
On the inside…
I am broken hearted
I am lost
I am self conscious
I am always sad
All together…
I AM ME!


Entry # 8
MI VIDA LOCA
I was born in Los Angeles, CA in October of 1993. My dad got murdered three months after I was born. We didn’t find out how it happened, but it was too late to do something about it. Time passed by and my mom met a wonderful man and got married to him. More time passed by and I started middle school and girls started to pick on me so I started fighting. I was expelled from school my seventh grade year and transferred to “El Puente”, a school for kids that got kicked out of school. I started to kick it with gang members and started doing really bad: getting locked up. I started doing drugs, got addicted to weed, and started cocaine. I didn’t want to admit to it. I thought I could stop doing these drugs, but I was wrong. I was already addicted to them. Now I’m in juvenile hall doing 63 days and 6 months in a group home. I guess I got what I wanted. I’m not going to see my family for 6 months. The only thing I could do now is pray for the time to go by fast. I can’t see my boyfriend or family; I’m feeling lonely and sad. I found out that there are no friends in the world but your family. So, all of you out there that think you have homies; there are no homies in life, just you and your family. Well, I owe my mom my life because if it hadn’t been for her, I would be dead by now.

Entry # 9
If I had a re-do, I would not have taken that first drink. I should have told my sister to stay because I was supposed to look after her. I could have been the only one going through all of the pain and suffering that was brought upon the both of us. But I didn’t. And now I have to live with that. I can not take it back and not matter how many times I say, “I’m sorry,” she will never forgive me for putting us both in that situation. I got it twice as bad that night and I’m paying for it worse than she is today. I just wish I could take that night back, but I can’t and now things will never be the same.


Entry # 10
‘‘The world today’’
The world around with life and death
Will take away a young man’s breath.
From robbing the old to raping girls.
What is going on in today’s world?
A young man’s heart black and cold
For when we do badly they always scold.
But when we do well they never know
Or proud for us they never show.
So what do you think we should do?
Knock someone out and take their shoes
Or help someone out when they fall
Who knows I’m just another kid in the hall.

Entry # 11
It all started by waking up to my brothers yelling. I didn’t think anything of it but I got up. Then all of a sudden my brother was holding me crying saying dads dead. I burst out in tears not believing him. I asked where my little sister was and my brother said she went to get help. I went outside and saw my sister and we went to go get my mom. When we were at my mom’s boyfriend’s house we were yelling, telling her dads dead. My mom started crying and said, “No, you guys are lying.” She came with us to our house. That’s when I saw my dad laying there under the computer desk. My mom laid him on his back and blood came out of his nose. I called the cops and the ambulance came. They told us to go wait outside while they put my dad in the living room. They were doing all kinds of things to try and get him to breathe. They said they got a heart beat but they needed to take him to the hospital. My aunt was there and she took us to the hospital. My mom asked one of the nurses if we could see my dad. She told us to wait in a little white room. All I was thinking was he’s gone, he’s gone. A doctor came and told us my dad passed away. I couldn’t believe it. It felt like my whole world came crashing down in so little time. My mom was freaking out and I was trying to calm her down. It seems like this day always replays in my head. R.I.P DAD

Entry # 12
CHANGE
I was someone who did not care about myself or others.
I remember I used to take money from my family.
I heard that my father died a brutal death.
I saw someone get shot right in front of me and my little cousin.
I worried if I was going to see my mom again.
I thought I was going to go to prison.
But, I want to change
I am a little thug.
I think I see the world as a ticking time bomb.
I try to improve by stopping drugs.
I’m angry because I’m locked up in a jail cell.
I forgive my mom for abandoning me when I was just a little baby.
Now I can change.
I will become a damn good lawyer.
I choose to stop doing drugs.
I dream about seeing my dad one of these days in heaven.
I hope I can start doing better.
I predict I am going to achieve my goals.
I know I can change and do things the right way.
I will change.

Entry # 13
I hate to see someone leave because I know they will never come back.
I hate the fact that I did a lot of damage to my family and put them though it all.
I hate that I have pain at times that I can’t control
I hate that my father banded my childhood and always made promises he never kept.
I hate seeing my mother suffer, struggle and pawn her jewelry just to get us by through the month so she could pay the rent.
I hate to hear my mother cry in her room asking God why, but most of all
I hate the fact that I have so much “Anger, Rage, Frustration & Hate”!
…That it won’t even let me shed a tear.

Entry # 14
If I didn’t have you!
If I didn’t have you, my life would be nothing.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be all messed up.
If I didn’t have you, my life would have no paths for me to go to.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be full of hate and revenge.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not know the world we live in.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not give a damn about anybody.
Now that I have you, my life is full of love and joy!
Your loving daughter!

Entry # 15
IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME
If you really knew me you would know that I’m an isolated person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a good going person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m locked up.
If you knew me you would know that I have been locked up for a while now.
If you really knew me you would know that I love to read books.
If you really knew me you would know that it’s rough out here though.
If you really knew me you would know that I love my mother.
If you really knew me you would know that I am worthy of success.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a great friend.
If you really knew me you would know that I have a tight circle of friends that I trust.


Entry # 16
Change
I was calm.
I remember getting locked up.
I heard everyone say they were disappointed in me.
I saw my sister die.
I worried about my mom.
I thought I would be dead by now.
But, I want to change.
I am quiet.
I think the world is cooled, careless.
I need to get out and move on with my life.
I try so hard.
I feel confused still.
I forgive myself for all the wrong I have done.
Now I can change.
I will do well.
I choose to be more thankful in life.
I dream that I will feel no pain or suffering.
I hope to get my mom’s trust back.
I predict I will do well and be out of the system.
I know I will have a good job and family.
I will change.

Entry # 17
My first time in
My last time out
I’ll protect my freedom without a doubt
I defended myself but I’m “gang related”
Nothing will work out, my mission’s stated
It’s weird when I think of Columbia, I think of snow
This rich man’s habit is making me slow
I was flying too high so they clipped my wings
The said I took advantage of my freedom.
Now I feel the West Nile sting.


Entry # 18
Tryin’ To Find My Way
Access accepted, change denied
So many years of hurt, pain and cries
Never got the truth, addicted to lies
Mama always workin’, daddy never in my life

Raised on my own, got the street addiction
Drug after drug, got me feelin’ acceptance
Goin’ to jail, thought this is how life is
Growin’ up, got no mind of a lil’ kid

Realized I wanted a better life, than moms and pops did
Thinkin in my cell, on the things I should’ve did
Some people in here, know that I sometimes feel down and out
I’m getting’ no sunshine on me, I’m getting rain and clouds

I want to pray to the Lord, so I can try to maintain
Because the outside streets got me goin’ insane
So many tears have fallin’, just for a lonely soldier
The war is gettin’ hotter, but the world is gettin’ colder

I’m pursuin’ a better life, so I’m tryin’ and tryin’
I’m losin’ my mind, from all this cryin’ and cryin’
I really am tryin’ to find my own way
So I’m prayin’ to the Lord day after day


Entry # 19
It was a Friday night, followed by a bad day. I knew the second I got home that I was going to get drunk. Like they had read my mind, my friends showed up at my doorstep. We took about two hours to get ready and without my mom’s permission, I left with my friends and we got picked up. I was under a lot of stress, so of course I was the one taking shots non-stop. I was drunk already after five shots, but I continued and multiplied to the point where I could barely see or walk straight. I always said that I could handle myself when I was drunk, but somewhere along my drunken night I got in a fight with my friend. At that point I was just ready to drink more. Everyone packed into one car and headed for another kick-back. At the new house I saw one of my old friends and we smoked a blunt. We wanted more alcohol so we headed for a gas station to steal a bottle. It is not like me to take something and run, but that’s exactly what I did. We got away, but we knew the cops were after us so we split up. I was so drunk, I didn’t know where I was and didn’t care. The next thing I knew was that I was greeted by a familiar set of red and blue lights. Since there were four cop cars, I gave up and sat down on the sidewalk where I cried for about 20 minutes as they asked me the same questions as they had a few times before. I was already on probation, so I knew what this meant: Juvenile Hall time and endless tears from my mother. Coming home that night, I felt like dying. I was so ashamed. I never thought I would get another charge. The days that followed included my mom starting to drink more than she already had and my little brother was sad all the time. Though I didn’t hit them, I felt just like my dad. I ruined my family with my reckless drinking problem and enhanced my mothers. If I could take back that night, I would in a heart beat.