Writing Exchange Summer 2009

Writing Exchange
Summer 2009

Entry # 1
9:30 AM. Time to get shackeled up for court. I’m seventeen years old, getting chained up. They put the locks on my ankles so I don’t run away and they chain my hands to my knees with a chain and handcuffs. I get in the transfer vehicle and think to myself, I’m too young to go to prison. Suddenly we arrive. I walk through the hall and into the elevator. I get led into the court room and I see my family and my girl raising up my son so I can see him. Then I sit and the show starts. Everything is slow including time, then the judge said two words that hit me like a bullet: “Seven years.” My mind goes blank. I hear my family crying. I just get up and as I look at my family and everyone, they are all sad. I am not. I fill up with hate. Seven years in the state.

Entry # 2
I am a girl without a father
I wonder where he is
I hear people talk about him
I see his name on letters but never him

I am a girl without a father
I dream to be with him
I wish he never left
I pray to God to send him back to me

I am a girl without a father
I say to myself, why did he have to go
I think what its like to have a dad
I hope one day I will meet him
I am a girl with out a father


Entry # 3
I remember when I could walk down the street and not get judged for the way I look. I remember when I could stay away from drugs. I remember when I would go to school and kick it with my friends.
Now I’m a drug addict, stealing cars and playing around with guns. I can’t go a day without meth and doing something messed up to someone. Now I’m behind these prison walls locked up. Now my PO is taking me away from my mom and sending me to a group home.
I wish I was a different person than I am today. I wish I knew my dad better. I wish I could stop all my family violence. I wish I could stay out of jail. I wish I was a different person.

Entry # 4
Maybe…
Maybe if someone thought about something before they did it.
Maybe if someone took responsibility for what they did.
Maybe if someone did something for someone else.
Maybe if someone held out a hand to a crying face.
Maybe if someone gave one more chance.
Maybe if someone tried something new.
Maybe if someone had a little faith.
Maybe if someone gave a lot and took a little.
Maybe if someone said thank you.
Then maybe someone would make all the difference…

Entry # 5
Every time I come back to Juvenile Hall, I think about how I’m going to change, but I never seem to follow through with it once I get out. I’ve been locked up 5 times, but 3 have been in the past six months. It feels like I’ve been in here since December 26th when I came in. I did two months, got out, and then came back 14 days later. I did only 16 days in here and got back out, but only stayed out for a month and a half. Now I’m committed 180 days. I know I have a problem with drugs, but I just can’t seem to quit them. I have smoked weed since I was 8½ years old. It’s just an everyday thing for me. But now I’m force to quit. Otherwise I’ll go to a rehab placement for 9 months. I’m about to be 16 and I need to start thinking about where I’ll be if I continue what I’m doing: either dead or in prison, and that’s just not for me. So, I’ve been going to NA meetings in the hall and just trying to figure out how to live without any drugs in my life. I get out in late August and plan to never come back here or any other detention facility. One of the hardest things for me is when I go visiting for the first time I get back in here and see my mom crying.


Entry # 6
It was around 6:30 in the morning when I woke up in my friends car with blood all over me and the car. I asked my friend what happened and he said we got jumped and that they stabbed me. I looked down and saw a good sized cut on my right hand. I asked why and he said, “Because I shot at them right before we started kickin it last night.” I looked at him in disgust and asked why he didn’t tell me. He said he was scared and knew I would not kick it with him if he told me. He started to cry, saying, “I don’t know what to do.” I held him still and told him it was going to be OK. 6 weeks later someone came into his house and shot him 3 times. I write this, but still have so much respect for my friend who died in 2007.


Entry # 7
On the Outside…
I am loving
I am caring
I am intelligent
I am funny
I am always smiling
On the inside…
I am broken hearted
I am lost
I am self conscious
I am always sad
All together…
I AM ME!


Entry # 8
MI VIDA LOCA
I was born in Los Angeles, CA in October of 1993. My dad got murdered three months after I was born. We didn’t find out how it happened, but it was too late to do something about it. Time passed by and my mom met a wonderful man and got married to him. More time passed by and I started middle school and girls started to pick on me so I started fighting. I was expelled from school my seventh grade year and transferred to “El Puente”, a school for kids that got kicked out of school. I started to kick it with gang members and started doing really bad: getting locked up. I started doing drugs, got addicted to weed, and started cocaine. I didn’t want to admit to it. I thought I could stop doing these drugs, but I was wrong. I was already addicted to them. Now I’m in juvenile hall doing 63 days and 6 months in a group home. I guess I got what I wanted. I’m not going to see my family for 6 months. The only thing I could do now is pray for the time to go by fast. I can’t see my boyfriend or family; I’m feeling lonely and sad. I found out that there are no friends in the world but your family. So, all of you out there that think you have homies; there are no homies in life, just you and your family. Well, I owe my mom my life because if it hadn’t been for her, I would be dead by now.

Entry # 9
If I had a re-do, I would not have taken that first drink. I should have told my sister to stay because I was supposed to look after her. I could have been the only one going through all of the pain and suffering that was brought upon the both of us. But I didn’t. And now I have to live with that. I can not take it back and not matter how many times I say, “I’m sorry,” she will never forgive me for putting us both in that situation. I got it twice as bad that night and I’m paying for it worse than she is today. I just wish I could take that night back, but I can’t and now things will never be the same.


Entry # 10
‘‘The world today’’
The world around with life and death
Will take away a young man’s breath.
From robbing the old to raping girls.
What is going on in today’s world?
A young man’s heart black and cold
For when we do badly they always scold.
But when we do well they never know
Or proud for us they never show.
So what do you think we should do?
Knock someone out and take their shoes
Or help someone out when they fall
Who knows I’m just another kid in the hall.

Entry # 11
It all started by waking up to my brothers yelling. I didn’t think anything of it but I got up. Then all of a sudden my brother was holding me crying saying dads dead. I burst out in tears not believing him. I asked where my little sister was and my brother said she went to get help. I went outside and saw my sister and we went to go get my mom. When we were at my mom’s boyfriend’s house we were yelling, telling her dads dead. My mom started crying and said, “No, you guys are lying.” She came with us to our house. That’s when I saw my dad laying there under the computer desk. My mom laid him on his back and blood came out of his nose. I called the cops and the ambulance came. They told us to go wait outside while they put my dad in the living room. They were doing all kinds of things to try and get him to breathe. They said they got a heart beat but they needed to take him to the hospital. My aunt was there and she took us to the hospital. My mom asked one of the nurses if we could see my dad. She told us to wait in a little white room. All I was thinking was he’s gone, he’s gone. A doctor came and told us my dad passed away. I couldn’t believe it. It felt like my whole world came crashing down in so little time. My mom was freaking out and I was trying to calm her down. It seems like this day always replays in my head. R.I.P DAD

Entry # 12
CHANGE
I was someone who did not care about myself or others.
I remember I used to take money from my family.
I heard that my father died a brutal death.
I saw someone get shot right in front of me and my little cousin.
I worried if I was going to see my mom again.
I thought I was going to go to prison.
But, I want to change
I am a little thug.
I think I see the world as a ticking time bomb.
I try to improve by stopping drugs.
I’m angry because I’m locked up in a jail cell.
I forgive my mom for abandoning me when I was just a little baby.
Now I can change.
I will become a damn good lawyer.
I choose to stop doing drugs.
I dream about seeing my dad one of these days in heaven.
I hope I can start doing better.
I predict I am going to achieve my goals.
I know I can change and do things the right way.
I will change.

Entry # 13
I hate to see someone leave because I know they will never come back.
I hate the fact that I did a lot of damage to my family and put them though it all.
I hate that I have pain at times that I can’t control
I hate that my father banded my childhood and always made promises he never kept.
I hate seeing my mother suffer, struggle and pawn her jewelry just to get us by through the month so she could pay the rent.
I hate to hear my mother cry in her room asking God why, but most of all
I hate the fact that I have so much “Anger, Rage, Frustration & Hate”!
…That it won’t even let me shed a tear.

Entry # 14
If I didn’t have you!
If I didn’t have you, my life would be nothing.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be all messed up.
If I didn’t have you, my life would have no paths for me to go to.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be full of hate and revenge.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not know the world we live in.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not give a damn about anybody.
Now that I have you, my life is full of love and joy!
Your loving daughter!

Entry # 15
IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME
If you really knew me you would know that I’m an isolated person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a good going person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m locked up.
If you knew me you would know that I have been locked up for a while now.
If you really knew me you would know that I love to read books.
If you really knew me you would know that it’s rough out here though.
If you really knew me you would know that I love my mother.
If you really knew me you would know that I am worthy of success.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a great friend.
If you really knew me you would know that I have a tight circle of friends that I trust.


Entry # 16
Change
I was calm.
I remember getting locked up.
I heard everyone say they were disappointed in me.
I saw my sister die.
I worried about my mom.
I thought I would be dead by now.
But, I want to change.
I am quiet.
I think the world is cooled, careless.
I need to get out and move on with my life.
I try so hard.
I feel confused still.
I forgive myself for all the wrong I have done.
Now I can change.
I will do well.
I choose to be more thankful in life.
I dream that I will feel no pain or suffering.
I hope to get my mom’s trust back.
I predict I will do well and be out of the system.
I know I will have a good job and family.
I will change.

Entry # 17
My first time in
My last time out
I’ll protect my freedom without a doubt
I defended myself but I’m “gang related”
Nothing will work out, my mission’s stated
It’s weird when I think of Columbia, I think of snow
This rich man’s habit is making me slow
I was flying too high so they clipped my wings
The said I took advantage of my freedom.
Now I feel the West Nile sting.


Entry # 18
Tryin’ To Find My Way
Access accepted, change denied
So many years of hurt, pain and cries
Never got the truth, addicted to lies
Mama always workin’, daddy never in my life

Raised on my own, got the street addiction
Drug after drug, got me feelin’ acceptance
Goin’ to jail, thought this is how life is
Growin’ up, got no mind of a lil’ kid

Realized I wanted a better life, than moms and pops did
Thinkin in my cell, on the things I should’ve did
Some people in here, know that I sometimes feel down and out
I’m getting’ no sunshine on me, I’m getting rain and clouds

I want to pray to the Lord, so I can try to maintain
Because the outside streets got me goin’ insane
So many tears have fallin’, just for a lonely soldier
The war is gettin’ hotter, but the world is gettin’ colder

I’m pursuin’ a better life, so I’m tryin’ and tryin’
I’m losin’ my mind, from all this cryin’ and cryin’
I really am tryin’ to find my own way
So I’m prayin’ to the Lord day after day


Entry # 19
It was a Friday night, followed by a bad day. I knew the second I got home that I was going to get drunk. Like they had read my mind, my friends showed up at my doorstep. We took about two hours to get ready and without my mom’s permission, I left with my friends and we got picked up. I was under a lot of stress, so of course I was the one taking shots non-stop. I was drunk already after five shots, but I continued and multiplied to the point where I could barely see or walk straight. I always said that I could handle myself when I was drunk, but somewhere along my drunken night I got in a fight with my friend. At that point I was just ready to drink more. Everyone packed into one car and headed for another kick-back. At the new house I saw one of my old friends and we smoked a blunt. We wanted more alcohol so we headed for a gas station to steal a bottle. It is not like me to take something and run, but that’s exactly what I did. We got away, but we knew the cops were after us so we split up. I was so drunk, I didn’t know where I was and didn’t care. The next thing I knew was that I was greeted by a familiar set of red and blue lights. Since there were four cop cars, I gave up and sat down on the sidewalk where I cried for about 20 minutes as they asked me the same questions as they had a few times before. I was already on probation, so I knew what this meant: Juvenile Hall time and endless tears from my mother. Coming home that night, I felt like dying. I was so ashamed. I never thought I would get another charge. The days that followed included my mom starting to drink more than she already had and my little brother was sad all the time. Though I didn’t hit them, I felt just like my dad. I ruined my family with my reckless drinking problem and enhanced my mothers. If I could take back that night, I would in a heart beat.

Writing Exchange V

Journal #64
When I was five years old my mother passed away from cancer. I remember playing with my friends when my father called me over and said those words, “Your mother died 3 days ago.” I remember my dad’s girlfriend crying, but I was thinking, “What’s wrong.” I remember her holding me as I cried a little. I was too young to really realize what it meant to lose my mother.
As I got older, I remember how much it hurt to know and have to think that my mommy would never come back. I have a little sister and even though it was years later, she would still cry and ask for “Mommy.” I still think to this day, “Why God? Why my mom?” Sometimes I still think she is out there somewhere and that maybe this was all a mistake and that maybe one day I will see her. I know now that she is gone, but it is easier to think differently. I still cry about my mom and wonder why. I have only a couple memories of her though.
I have 3 sisters and out of them all, I look the most like my mother. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I see her, but then I remember it is just me. I know she was a good person and loved us girls very much. I am in Juvenile Hall right now because when I was 13, I distanced myself from my family and started running away from everything and everyone. I am pregnant now and I have finally realized how much I need my family. I miss my family so much. I am praying they forgive me and accept me back into their lives. I have already lost my mother and I realize now how much I really have in my life.
I am going to have a baby now and I know my life will be very rough, but I will be the best mother I can be. I will show my child love. The things I have been through in my life, the good and the bad, have only taught me more about life. I have learned from my mistakes and I am a stronger person.

Journal #65
It all happens in the blink of an eye. You don't realize what you've done until it's too late. Now all you can do is think. You wish you would have thought smarter, faster, better...NO! Wait...If you were thinking at all you would have been at home helping your mom instead of just staying out all night smoking weed, snorting coke, and popping pills. Don't you know how much she worries and cares about you? Even if you dropped out of school? You should have been home helping your younger siblings with their homework. They need you too: WAY MORE than your friends.
What the hell are friends? They dragged you down to their low level. Now you're either a functioning user or you're dependent. Drugs made you do things you regret so bad. The thoughts won't leave you alone. They are on your mind, day in and day out. You hate yourself. Not you, ME. I hate myself. Why? I don't know. I'm disgusted with it. I am deciding to change for the better. I'll finally be there for my family who misses me despite the fact that I almost walked out on them. Most importantly, I'll finally be there for myself.


Journal #66
Sitting with my mind paused off in a daze,
gripping imaginary sand, watching memories of waves
Then I think what is life and what does it mean,
Am I trapped in reality or in a complex dream?
I can feel the sound around me and it’s good to my sense,
But does anyone truly know what happens when it ends?
Is everything still good or will everything change,
It’s like a battlefield of questions I keep locked in my brain.
I admit if the outcome is bad then I’ll be scared,
But if it’s a better life, our vision was just impaired.
I can picture perfect people and places beyond wealth,
No more shedding tears, an abundance of health
Everything would be calm and I would be at ease,
We would pray with the clouds finally rising from our knees.
God’s in our stature, children to the thrown,
What I would give to stop dreaming and find my pathway home.
Cause the world today has darkened, filled with pain and sorrow,
And at the rate we’re proceeding we might not reach tomorrow.
So while everyone is sleeping in a distant land dreaming,
I’m waiting for that day to finally start breathing.

Journal #67
When I was born, my dad left my mom. My mom was addicted to multiple drugs. At three years old, my dad showed up and got custody of me. I hated him for taking me away from my mom. A year or two later, he got married to a woman I despised. I would do something wrong, not something big, but she would make it such a big deal and beat me. She smokes weed and is an alcoholic. Her and my dad would fight all the time.
I never got to be with friends. When I got to high school I dropped out. Some of my friends smoked weed, so I tried it too. I liked it so I continued to use it. My dad’s wife found out I dropped out so I got beat again. I was tired of being hit, so I ran away. I realized I liked running away and seeing friends better than staying at the house. I ran away more often.
Recently, I ran away and was out late one night. I was at a friend’s place when some police came up and accused me of starting a fire because some guys saw me earlier at a place where the fire started. Now I am in the hall and I have to wait a month and a half for a trial. The sad thing is I like it better here than at home.

Journal #68
The job I wanted was construction;
but what I've done is mass disruption.
I know that life in unfair,
they always make fun of what I wear.
But, I swear sometimes life's fair.
I look and sound young for my age.
Can you please read the next page?
I've always wanted to die,
Please don't give me one more lie.

Journal #69
There are events in everyone’s lives that change them. My father’s death changed my life and future. He died when I was seven. I didn’t even cry because I didn’t know how to feel. That is when all the discipline went away. I started doing whatever I wanted. I started smoking weed to help with the pain at age 11. That is also when I got my first felony and two misdemeanors. I was on a path of destruction. The thing I realized is that if I would have had a dad to teach me things or be there to discipline me when I messed up, I don’t think I would be in half the trouble I am in today. Fathers are important no matter how mad you get at them. Most kids are lucky because they have one. I haven’t had a father for ten years.

Journal #70
I guess you could say my dad has always been a little weird in the head. I remember him beating someone up just because he thought they took a rock from his yard. My parents were never married. I only had visits with my dad because of how cold blooded he was.
I just got out of school on a summer day and walked into my dad’s house. I was probably 8-9 years old. Who knew that it could have been the end of my life. I am not sure if my dad was spun out or not. As I walked in the door, he asked me how my day was. “Good,” I replied and went to my room to watch TV. I looked up and saw the gun slightly shaking back and forth. Then he shot it. The bullet went through my hair. Even though there was probably a loud noise, it didn’t seem to scare me. I don’t know why. Soon I went back to watching TV. My dad just walked out of the room. We never talked about it. I never told my mom because she wouldn’t have let me go back and visit him. Like six months later I saw him again as if nothing ever happened.

Journal # 71
My life is just too into the gang life. My mom tells me to stop it, but it's like an inspirational saying- it goes in one ear and comes out the other. I just can't stop the life I live. I try and I try, but it just comes back. The only way I can stop is if I move from where I live now. My parents are thinking about moving so we can get away from all the danger. I just want to say that I do want to change.

Journal #72
I chose a path.
I chose a path to walk through.
The night is dark and I don't have anyone to talk to.
The small light beaming in my eyes,
creates words that I can't describe.
There is no escape.
I feel like screaming, but I just close my eyes.
The sun has come back, but stays behind these prison walls.
Long days and long nights.
Long months and long times.
Only if I could press rewind.
I wouldn't change my way,
just my mistakes.
Hopefully, it will all fall into place.
Surrounded by hate and strangers once again,
my pride never fails.
Now I'm back up in this cell.
Once again, there is no way out.
Being broke with no home,
to being broke with my own.
The game has taught me to survive alone.
I chose a path.

Journal #73
On June 21st of last summer, my best friend died at my house. We were all partying and having a good time. We just took some methadone wafers and started drinking. No one knew my friend was dying because we were drunk in the living room. About two hours later, me and my girl went to my room and there he was on my bed, his face blue, choking on his own vomit. I ran over and flipped him on his stomach and my girl called 911. I was trying so hard to bring him back. By the time the EMT’s got there it was too late. I went to the hospital and called his mom. As she walked in, I broke down and his mom held me. I stayed with her that whole week. I felt guilty because he stole the pills from his mom. I forgot about him. If I would have found him sooner, it could have saved his life. Now I have to live with that. I will not make that mistake again. It changed my life forever.

Journal #74
An event that changed me was when my mom passed away. I was almost 10 years old and had been staying in a group home at the time. It was Thursday, June 16th. I was going to visit her. I had talked to her the night before. She was acting really weird, saying, “I’ll love you not matter what happens.” It really scared me, but she acted weird quite a lot.
Well, when I got to the place where we visited, we went to a different room than we usually visited in. I thought nothing of it until I walked in a room with my social workers and my counselor. They handed me my mom’s teddy bear and a picture of me and my mom on Christmas. Then they said, “Your mom’s dead.” I said, “Your ******* kidding me.” They said, “No, I’m sorry. She died in her sleep last night.” They told me she had a heart attack. Then they said they were going to tell my sister next. I said, “No, I am. It will be easier on her.” So we went to my sister’s. I gave her my mom’s stuffed puppy and a picture of her and my mom.
On July 7th we had the memorial at the Amphitheater. A week later we went to my mom’s viewing. It looked like she was sleeping. I wanted to wake her up so bad. My social worker kept saying my mom had a heart attack.
It is now two years later, and I recently found out it was a suicide, not a heart attack. That just brought me back to crying. I had to tell my sister. Man, I miss my mom.

Journal #75
I was sent to ROP (a wanna-be boot camp) for damn near two years. During that time I was messing up. I ran at least 9 times. I was selling weed and smoking it. It took me a minute for something to pop in my head. That was when my older brother told me to be better than him. The thing that made me think about it was a phone call home from the “boot camp.” My older brother told me my mom was in the hospital and they didn’t plan on letting her out. Instead, they were going to send her to a rehabilitation facility until she recovered from her 6 heart-bypasses. During all the surgeries, they discovered that my mom wouldn’t be able to walk, was partly blind, and had slight memory loss.
The “boot camp” was telling me that I would not be able to go home until my mother got out of the hospital. A month passed. I finally got a home pass to go and see her for three days. Well, during that home pass, I was told that our house was up for closure, because the bills weren’t getting paid. By that time the bill was sky high. I didn’t have anything else to do except to try and make money, so that we didn’t lose the house. My little brother was locked up and I wanted him to go home and not have to live in the streets. So I started selling dope on my home pass. I turned my home pass into a 3 month home pass instead of a 3 day. I was making paper. I was saving it for that house. My cousin told me to head back to the camp.
When I got back to ROP, everything was all messed up. It took me 3 or 4 more months to qualify for a six bed group home. Then I asked for a pass to see about my mom and they gave it to me. Now my home was boarded up. Mom was still in the hospital, so I ran and was selling again. It took 10 months for them to catch me. Now I sit in Juvenile Hall waiting till September to come by. Then I’ll be free and I’ll be 18.