Summer 2010

Entry #1
I remember waking up in a cold room on the ground to my mom screaming and my brothers yelling. I walked in the next room and my dad was beating my mom. I remember my older brother got my dad in a headlock, socking my dad and the next thing I remember is my brother pulling a gun out and shooting my dad. Next, I remember standing over my dad and his last words to me: “I love you son.” I remember the look on my brother’s face after the cops arrested him.
Three months later I remember going to my brother’s court date and the judge sentencing him to 25 years with the possibility of getting out on parole in 10 with good behavior because he was protecting my mom. My mom fell to her knees saying, “No, don’t take my son away from me.”
Four months later, I got to talk to my brother for the first time. I remember him saying, “Keep your head up and be the man of the house.”

Entry #2
A Young Father
A young father struggling
Looking for an easy way out
On my first day of school I was tripping
To comfort me there was no one around
An innocent father with all hope gone
I find myself destroyed by drugs
Will I forget about my daughters because I’m destroyed by drugs?
I go to school and work
And face a new problem every single day
I learn about useless things in class everyday
But soon will I get myself together
I don’t even know that myself
Because it’s a struggle to survive and I’m feeling
Twisted in different zones of living everyday
My life is just like a boat I have to try and stay afloat
With the ups and downs there is no way I can tell if a wave of
Emotions will make me sink deep in a cold place where a heart can’t bear
I’m just a young father trapped in a place full of space
Struggling to live my life and make the best for my little girls

Entry #3
I used to be such an innocent girl: straight edge, great family relationships, and amazing friends. But something happened, something unlike me. Alcohol became my life. Day by day I began stealing bottle after bottle, getting as drunk as I could and putting myself in the worst situations. Breakfast, a beer. Lunch, a bottle. Night, who knows where I am or what I am doing? I’m wasted. School became my last priority. Mom and friends worried, telling me alcohol leads to drugs, but do I care? No. I’m the selfish user, now addicted to ecstasy, pawning stuff I used to value for the drugs I feel I need. Pill by pill, I
feel my brain going mad, but do I care about myself? I guess not. Cocaine crazy, but my body feels somewhat lazy. I snort some lines and feel divine; minutes later I want to commit a crime. Another 40 bucks down the drain, for a drug that can cause so much pain. My pretty face, turning into waste. My fate depends on these sins, but something inside me is nudging me to stop. I can’t stop. Drugs and Alcohol are all I’ve got. More and more, life’s starting to turn into a bore. Addictions got me hooked, whishing I could take a good look….at what this is turning me in to. What happened to that smart beautiful young girl? Drugs and alcohol are now her world.

Entry #4
Myself
I sit in a pool of emptiness and despair.
Everyday I wish for someone to come, but no one is there.
As I sit in my cell, in a puddle of tears,
I can do nothing but face my fears.
I’m alone on this journey and can’t accept any help.
For the only person to blame for this is myself.

Entry #5
I remember when I was seven. My dad was never there.
I remember when my dad came home from tweaking and just slept.
I remember when he would get up and be angry and beat me and my brother.
I remember when my mom came home and she would ask what happened. My dad always told us to say we were playing and fell and hit our face.
I remember when I had to take care of my brother because nobody else was there to do it.
I remember when me and my brother drank all of the Kool-Aid and my dad woke up and wanted some. He beat us both with the pitcher.
I remember when me and my brother were playing and I gave my brother a black eye and he went and told my dad. My dad got some rope and tied it to the tree and tried to hang me.
I remember my brother standing under me so I wouldn’t die and he stood there until somebody walking down the street got me of the rope. My dad said he was sorry, but I know he wasn’t. He told me not to tell my mom.
I remember when me and my brother found my dad’s dope stash. We told my mom. He thought it was my brother that told, so he tried to beat him. That’s when I told him it was me, so he hit me in the face and I fell to the ground. He tried to kick me, but I put my hands up and he broke my fingers and hands.

Entry #6
Regret
Running away
Is the thing I regret the most
Is the thing I chose to do?
Running away
Is the worst Thing I have ever done?
Running away
Can it get any worse than this?
Running away
Now I’m bad to the bone
Running away
Can my mom forgive me?
Now my family needs me
Running away
Now I have to sit in these six walls
Running away
These halls of hell
Running away
I need to get out
Running away
Can you help me now?
Running away

Entry #7
If I woke up and a miracle had happened in my life, it would have to be that I am not locked up anymore. I would go to sleep in juvenile hall and wake up seeing my bedroom not a cell. There would be the smell of breakfast in my nose and the sound of my little brother playing in the other room. I would feel warmth and happiness running through my body. It would have to be the nicest day of my life.

Entry #8
I remember April of 2009. That’s when my life had a dramatic change. I remember waking up still sick from all the pills I took the night before with four cops and a social worker telling me to grab what I can and that I would be placed in a foster home. The first thing that hit my mind was to run, but then they told me I was going away for just enough time to get off drugs and before I killed myself or hurt anybody else. I didn’t have a drug addiction like meth. I was addicted to the high of prescription medications. On a normal day I was taking up to 13 Norcos and then 10 Xanax at the end of the night just so I could go to sleep calmly and not feel the withdrawals through the night. I just didn’t understand why my mom had seen me in this situation for over a year and now wanted to do something about it.
I then went to a foster home where I stayed for two days before going on the run to Arizona to stay with a brother. I got tired of it after about a week of not having drug. I came back to California to live with my dad, where we just popped pills together. It led to both of us in a psych hospital for an OD. If no one would have seen us that next morning in the dining room and got the ambulance, we both would be dead now. When I finally got released, I went through 16 more placements, not counting running and sleeping under a walk path in the park just to stay out of the rain. My mom realized I didn’t want to help myself and gave up on me. Eventually, so did CPS. They then locked me up in April, where I will stay until my 18th birthday.
With the time I have been sober, I realized it’s nobodies fault but mine. Yeah, I still believe they could have tried to help me differently, but all that matters is I’m clean and clear headed. I just hope I can be as strong as I am now to keep the hatred for drugs and what they have done to me.

Entry #9
If you really knew me you would know that one day I decided to run from my group home. When I got back to my county, it was all fun and games and parties until one day I met my lady. She made my life do a 180. I stopped doing drugs and I stopped drinking. I was doing good and I even had a job and a place to stay. The thing is that after 3 ½ months of doing good, I forgot I ran from the group home and one day they finally caught me. I got locked up again. I was angry and sad at the same time, but I dealt with it. A couple of days later I call my girl and she has good news for me: she’s pregnant. That was the happiest day of my life. Than a month and a half later, I call her again and she has bad news for me. She had a miscarriage. When she told me I felt devastated. I didn’t know what to do. That was the saddest day of my life.

Entry #10
I remember the fights and the screams. So I would take off skating down the street. I remember the long nights with no sleep, with no electricity and no heat. I remember thick clouds of smoke and tons of little baggies filled with dope. It was like I was all alone, the only way to take the pain away was to get stoned. I wanted to just skate away and never look back. I never wanted to be around to face the facts. I hated my life and everybody around. I hated the way everything was going down. I hated my life and when I skated by everybody would stare. I knew exactly what they were thinking, “There goes the freak with the long hair.” But what they didn’t know is that it could’ve been over with one loud sound that carries through the air!

Entry #11
BIGGEST IMPACT
My Dad was the biggest impact in my life.
Before he passed away he wanted me to be a man and to take care of
My house and family when he was gone.
I feel like I failed him because I put my family through so much pain.
Look at me I’m locked up.
My mom is struggling out there.
He taught me everything I know today like how to drive, how to work on car’s, how to clean yards
He never gave up. He’s my motivation
Besides my mom, I just wish I could thank him for what he did for me and my family.

Entry #12
Dreams and Reality
In my dreams,
I have someone I can call my own,
But in reality, I am all alone.
In my dreams,
I can buy anything in the world, no matter the cost,
But in reality, I’m so confused and lost.
In my dreams,
I’m king of the stars,
But in reality, I’m just a criminal behind metal bars.

Entry #13
I remember when I was just a baby looking for the love my parents never gave me. I remember when my brother and the homies would get spun out in my room. I remember seeing them do shrooms. I remember looking up to my big brother. I remember him cussing at my mother. I remember seeing my brother tuck in guns. I remember seeing the cops take his freedom. I remember always trying to be like my big brother, even though his actions hurt my mother.
I remember when I was not so old; I remember the fist day that I stole. I remember getting arrested for the first time at 11. I kind of already knew I wasn’t going to heaven. I remember getting in trouble. I loved the feeling of being like my big brother. I remember getting jumped in. It was just over ten seconds.
My life has been nothing but trouble and stress. I think about dying. My life is such a mess. I’ve been locked up since 2009. I have been here for nine months. I guess that is just life.

Entry #14
I remember when I was eight. It was the first time I saw my dad. He just got out of prison after 9 years.
I remember when I was 9. It was the first time I told him I hated him.
I remember when I was 10. The judges told me I was like my dad.
I remember when I was 11 and all I could think about was, “I’m not like that punk.”
I remember when I was 12. The judge said my future was prison.
I remember when I was 13. The judge said, “I wish you luck in CYA.” Then he gave me 7 years.
Only if they really knew who I was. Only if they gave me the attention I’ve always wanted. I would never be here.
I remember when I grew up and said, “I love my father.” From that day my life came together.

Entry #15
Since the day I was pushed from the womb, I have been destined for the pen. My father was on the run for over 12 felonies and all my aunts and my uncle were in jail for murder…even my grandma. I got jumped into a gang when I was eight and since that day, I just pushed myself closer to the gates of high dessert with my grandpa. Even though she smokes dope, I hate what I have done to my mother. I hate the fact that my little brother and all his friends rep stuff that got me shot at and five of my friends removed from the turf. I hate that my daughter is growing up and I’m locked up for banging, hoping one day I could have the most tattoos or the most respect, the most connections, but in reality all I was doing is walking towards the gates of San Quinton. I try my hardest to change, but I feel it’s too late. I hope that if someone can get a message from this that you see if you love freedom, if you really love your life, that you won’t do what I did, because this really is not the life you see.

Entry #16
I remember when I went to court and the judge called me a threat to society.
I remember my parent’s crying when I looked into their eyes.
I can still see the disappointment but when they talked to me I saw they still loved me.
I remember the six of us sitting in court.
If you knew me, you would be mad at me for being locked up.
I remember seeing tears in my big bro’s eyes.
If you really knew me you would know I’m going to CYA.
I’m just sitting and waiting in the hall till I get transferred.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.
I’m just striving to survive, just to see my family and girl one more time.
I’m just wondering if I’ll ever get out.


Entry #17
If you really knew me you would say that I was a young dumb girl.
If you really knew me you would say that I was just happy all the time.
If you really knew me you would say that I was heartless.
If you really knew me you would say I was angry.
If you really knew me you would say I was violent.
If you really knew me you would say I was jealous.
If you really knew me you would say that I was a person who loved to drink.
If you really knew me you would say that I was a person that loved to smoke weed.
If you really knew me you would say that I do meth just because.
If you really knew me you would say I smile a lot.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I'm just a scared girl.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that being happy & loud is the only way I know how to cover my scars.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I was taught not to show emotions.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m violent because that’s the only way I know how to fight back.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m jealous because I’m afraid to lose another person.
If you really knew me you would KNOW I love to drink because truly I’m an alcoholic & that’s the only way I express myself.
If you really knew me you would know that I love to smoke weed because truly I’m a pot head and it’s the only way I know how to calm down.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I do meth not just because, I do it to hit or forget reality.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m just a sad, insecure, lost, young girl in this world!

Entry #18
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I guess you could say that I am for lack of a better word, insane. I have been catching felonies for the last two years, over and over again. At least I can say I’m consistent. They tell me drugs are my problem, so I get clean. I stay clean for a couple of months and then I get stuck with another felony and I’m sitting in the hall again, like, “What the ****.” I like to think I’m an accountable person. I know that I’ve made quite a few poor decisions and to be honest, I see no end in sight. I feel that I am prison bound. But I am not prison material. I have the will and the strength to get off this self destructive path, but I have no idea where to go after that. Part of me wants to say screw it and get high on any and every substance I can find. In the back of my mind, I know that if I did that I will be worse off than I am now. I just want to be rid of all of this. They say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, well, I don’t even know where the damn tunnel is. Confusion is an everyday thing for me. For now I will play it by ear…. things can only get better…what does not break you will only make you stronger.

Entry #19
A young soul, wondering on this earth as you are too.
Looking for answers for my life now, my life then, and what is to come when death arrives.
I don’t remember my first day of school, but I remember feeling as if I didn’t belong.
To comfort me I had sleep, because in sleep I had no boundaries, no fear, no one to judge or hurt me, and my mind and soul could wonder freely hand in hand.
An innocent soul turning to drugs to find some kind of release outside of sleep, and in the end, I spiraled down and I lost myself.
I found myself in sobriety because I could no longer hide from myself, my feelings and the world.
An Innocent girl longing for acceptance
Will I forget the pain?
The pain I caused? The pain I received.
I go to a special place to escape, but no longer in drugs, but in art and music, escape from all the painful thoughts that still conquer my mind.
I go to escape to a place where I am surrounded by euphoria and meet my soul again, and regain who I am and who I once was.
I learn about myself, my morals, and why I did the things that I did.
Now comes the time to forgive and forget, to be forgiven and love myself and others.

Entry #20
I remember that first hit of dope. That is the day I ruined my life. At first I loved it. It was my everything. It made me feel good, powerful, and on top of the world. Who would have thought I’d end up the way I did. I’d stay up for long periods at a time. I’d start hallucinating not knowing what to do with myself, but you see that didn’t stop me. I became a liar, cheater, and a thief. I’d steal from friends. I’d lie to my mom and run from probation. I did not give a damn about how I made you feel, I only cared about the pipe. At the end it got me nowhere, but locked up. Now I’m sitting here in the hall regretting everything I did, but what good does that do me. I’m only a kid.

Entry #21
If you really knew me………
If you really knew me….you’d know my birthday.
If you really knew me….you’d know my actions.
If you really knew me….you’d love me for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my situation.
If you really knew me….you’d be there for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my likes and dislikes.
If you really knew me….you’d write me.
If you really knew me….you’d see what I see.
If you really knew me….you’d know how much I like to hear I love you.
If you really knew me….you’d know that I love you.
If you really knew me….you’d care for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my middle name.
If you really knew me….you’d know I was addicted to drugs.
If you really knew me….you’d know who I was.
If you really knew me….you’d know the real me.

Entry #22
The Canary’s Song
Oh, sweet, little, yellow, song bird.
Oh, how I wish I could see you perched on my window sill once more.
Oh, to hear you’re soft, angelic voice again.
Oh, how I miss you truly.
Oh, how I miss your stories of faraway lands.
Oh, sweet, little, yellow, song bird.
Oh, how to hear you sing of freedom, life, and love.
Oh, how sorrowful it is to know your fate.
Oh, how shall I punish that fat, little Calico cat?

09-10 Exchange

Entry # 53
My New Year’s Resolution

When I was a young kid, like all kids, I had dreams and ambitions I was sure I would make true. As time went by and I matured I often wondered about the reality of my dreams. As the events played out in my teenage years and my interests changed so did my dreams and ambitions, landing me in a place I never even considered being in. Some would say “That’s life.” I’d have to say I disagree with that. If I was able to cause this mess then there must be a way to clean it up right?

As a kid the only thing that truly interested me was basketball. I dreamed of playing in the NBA as I watched Michael Jordan win championship after championship. I played on a travel team from 4th grade up until high school. In elementary school I was Most Valuable Player in 5th and 6th grade, and also in middle school. When I was out on the basketball court I felt a sense of confidence that I carried with me everywhere I went. I felt like there was no one on the other team that could stop me, and that confidence led to a lot of accomplishments off the court as well.

When I got to high school I was introduced to peer-pressure, drugs, and alcohol. As a freshman I was on the junior varsity basketball squad and started the season. After the season I was moved up to varsity. During the off-season, being curious, I got into some habits I thought were enjoyable. By my sophomore year I was ready to play varsity, but as some things went wrong I had to adjust. I found an interest in football and tried out for the junior varsity team. I had no idea my basketball coach thought I should only play one sport. He decided to put me back on the JV team and it deeply upset me. The coach and I had our differences and I chose to go my separate way and just play football.

My sophomore year I got into trouble with drugs and was put in an outpatient program. I hated the fact that I had to get drug tested twice a week and participate in group and awareness meetings. Instead of choosing to better myself and do what was expected of me, I felt like rebelling and I continued to use. I was cheating my way through a program which was also my probation. At the time I didn’t realize that what I was doing was completely wrong and nothing good would come out of it. I ended up getting sent to a continuation school because I was behind on my credits and I had poor attendance. When I got a dirty drug test I knew I was going to be put in custody so I went on the run. I was only on the run for about a week before getting caught and realizing what I was doing was not right. I had been running away from my problems for the past year and had lost a lot of my ambition from smoking weed and using other substances.

I was sentenced to six months in a substance abuse unit and when I was on the detention side I had reapplied my faith in God and asked him to save me from what I have become. I asked him to help me get through this time with strength, courage, and regain my ambition to do well. I have only been in custody for about three weeks but have learned a lot about what is right and what is wrong. I had been in a fog for the past year or so and being in here has given me a lot of clarity.

In conclusion, as the New Year comes around I hope to be clean and sober for the year 2010. However, what I really want is for my mind to be in the place that it was before I began using drugs. A place where I had no worries, had self confidence, and an imagination that would take me anywhere I wanted to go. I know that with another chance to do right with God now by my side I can accomplish whatever I want to. I’m sure there are a lot of kids that have been through similar situations as me, and what I hope they learn even if they haven’t been caught, is that it’s better to have what’s truly important to you than to be afraid to accept it.

Entry # 54
I think that all this time I have been acting stupidly, showing more love to my friends than to my family. Basically, I have loved my friends more than my own mom. I mean, when my mom wants me to do good, I do bad and when my friends need me to jump someone I do it. It just isn’t right. So I am going to start to show love to my mom like I have to my friends. I want to have a regular life with my girl and friends not with a bunch of guys in the hall!

Entry #55
I think my girlfriend is the closest person to me in my life.
She is going be 19 years old and we have a 4 month old baby.
When I was messing up, she would try to help me even though I would ignore her.
She never gave up on me and always was there for me. I know she wants the best for me. I’m trying to do better now, since my son is in this world. I want to be the father for him I never had!
My love has grown big for him and for my lady.

Entry #56
Locked up for the holidays
My birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine Day, I get to spend in the juvenile justice campus. Not only does that affect me, it also affects my family in many different ways. My mom feels like something’s always missing. Since my brother is 20 years old he doesn’t live at the house anymore, who is my mom supposed to spend her holidays with?
My first holiday locked up was Halloween. I had to think about how much fun all my friends were having that night and how I could have dressed up and gotten lots of candy. I got letters from my friends telling me all the things they did that night and how they wished I was there. I listened to my mom tell me she was crying all night because she knew I wasn’t happy. I didn’t think it was fair because I felt so lonely.
On Thanksgiving, yes, we had a dinner with so much food and everyone sat down and talked about how grateful they were, but there was still something missing. I’ve always had Thanksgiving with my mom, brother, step-dad, grandparents (from both sides), friends, and everyone I loved. Not this year though, this year I got to spend Thanksgiving in my room thinking about all of my family and how they miss me.
My third holiday is Christmas. Every year ******* always got the most presents. We are going to have a Christmas party here but without my family. My mom already told me this Christmas is going to be one of the worst days ever! I told her that if she wants the satisfaction of having a gift for me under the tree she can buy me a one hour back massage. She said that would get her hopes up and just remind her that I’m not there.
The rest of the days I’m missing are not as important as those three holidays. It still doesn’t feel good knowing that I’m incarcerated for all of the important holidays. Now I am going to appreciate the little things, just spending time with my family is all I wish I could do. I miss my family and just doing family things. When I get out I plan on making it up to my family in many different ways.


Entry #57
I think fitting in isn’t really important. Personally, in the past I did like to fit in when I was with a group of friends. One day I was walking with them and we saw someone that one of my friends hated. We ran after this guy dropped him to the floor and stole all the items he had with him. What I really felt bad about is that I did something very crude to him when he was all beat up. I just did it so that my friends would laugh and I would be able to fit in. Fitting in back then was necessary because I wanted to be respected by my friends. If you have friends that think that kind of stuff is cool you shouldn’t hang around with them.

Entry #58
A Guilty Conscience
The fact is that you know when you’re guilty. When someone confesses to a murder, it is because they can’t go on living as if nothing is wrong. When I was tweaking, I didn’t really care if I got caught or not. I hoped I would at first because I really wanted help. I just couldn’t stand it. I was living a double life. I was a loving son by day, stoner, cokehead, and tweaker by night. I was on the verge of destruction. With all the drugs that I was using, I was having a bad enough time. Plus, I was keeping it a secret. I just couldn’t stand it. When the cops came through my front door to arrest me, I didn’t care, I was relieved. My double life was over. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Even though I was going to get locked up, the pressure was gone.

Entry #59
The most important person in my life is my little brother because he is my heart. Because he is my younger brother, I have taken care of him and shown him the right way in life and to do the right things.

Entry #60
Growing up I was always my own person. I always had my own personality and individual way of doing things. Even as a little girl I would meticulously dress myself in an array of interesting garments. My signature outfit was a blue cowboy hat, rain boots, my mother’s slip and colorful scarves. I never thought twice about my wardrobe and it never occurred to me that no one else put on shows for their toys or rescued bugs from the rain. Around second grade I started hanging out with the ‘popular girls’. It was then that I started to notice I was well, a little different. These girls put me down for not being like them. Being so young, I figured, since everyone liked them, they would like me if I was more like them. So naturally, I began to emulate them in appearance and attitude. I tried this out until about 5th grade. It just didn’t suit me to be like these girls. I never felt more out of my skin. When I took the plunge and went back to just being me I realized that I was much happier. The new friends I acquired were much nicer and down to earth. I’m actually still close with a majority of them. Life’s better when you learn not to let other’s opinions and comments get to you. If you need to put on a mask to fit into a certain crowd, you’re only holding yourself back. I would suggest surrounding yourself with people who make you happy, not people who put you down.

Entry #61
I used to think that fitting in was always cool. I used to always try to fit in with people I didn’t like and did things I didn’t want to. There was one thing that I did that I regret even to this day, that was trying to fit into the wrong crowd. That crowd was known as The Tweakers. Always being so curious of everything, I decided to fall into the meth addict group. I thought that they were cool with so many friends and money, I wanted to fit into that category too. So by doing that I decided to hang out with them every day. I didn’t think that they were bad people or anything because I was so naïve.
After a couple of months hanging out with them and my two older sisters, they passed the pipe toward me. I was wondering when they were going to let me join them by smoking whatever the hell they were smoking. So I guess when they handed me the pipe I really didn’t hesitate much. The moment I took that pipe I thought I was cool and that everyone would be cool with me. I was dead wrong. After the next couple of months, I was incarcerated for possession of a narcotic. Boy even that didn’t slap me back into reality.
Now that I look back to the first day of trying to fit into a stupid group of people, I can just say take a look at yourself dummy, where are your so-call-friends now?

Entry #62
Hit of RealityDrugs were my life, all I thought about, All I liked.You misunderstand meI think I know whyBecause, you didn’t have as hard as a life as I.
Dad beat my momNow he’s gone, makes me feel I did wrong.
Step dad came in, now he’s daddyAt least he is proud of me
Slowly after being abandonedFinding out he’s gone, dead foreverDrugs jumped on the wagon
Now do you understand my addiction?Just being left for no reason
Feeling empty and coldMy true feelings show
So let me ask you, Are you still going to judge me?Now that you see deep down Why, I am me
This is my slap of realityyou don’t have the right to judge me


Entry #63
Friends

I remember.
I remember being with my friends, lighter in my right, the pipe in my left.
I remember the looks on their faces as I sucked in that harsh marijuana smoke for the first time.
I remember how high I got, and I remember how good I felt that I had finally done it. It was good.

I remember.
I remember being at my friend’s house, we had no more weed and still weren’t stoned.
I remember them breaking into their parents liquor cabinet and bringing out some hard ****, whiskey among them.
I remember slamming shots at first and then just finally guzzling the bottle.
I remember how drunk I got.
I remember what my friends thought of me. I remember that they were the ones that gave me the drink.

I remember.
At one time or another, I remember being at another friend’s house, another kind of drug, and another day where I got high on the drug for the first time.
And then I remember doing it again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
Weed, drink, coke, crank, thizzles, KJ, PCP, prescription pills, shrooms, heroine, acid, all of these and all of those combined.
All of these, I remember.

And here I am incarcerated for 6 months, remembering.


Entry #64
The Biggest Changes in My Life

I’ve had a lot of changes in my life. I don’t know where to start. I had a difficult time typing this because my past is very hard to talk about.

One big change in my life was when I was young and my mom and dad got a divorce. My dad didn’t want to take care of me and my older brother. My mom did what she could to be the good mom that she is. That was a really a big impact growing up without a father and mom always working to support us so we can have clothes, shoes and a roof over our head.

A big problem for me was I never went to see my dad and my brother was out with his friends getting in trouble. I would always promise mom that I would be good and not get into trouble. Yet I started following his footsteps and I realized that I was a lot worse than my brother was at thirteen. I was out drinking, smoking and doing whatever I wanted, because I didn’t know any better.

I always wanted to have money, so when my mom found out that I was smoking and drinking she stopped providing cash. I then got money by going out with my friends, stealing stuff, selling drugs or whatever I could steal to sell. I was fourteen at the time, always getting arrested and incarcerated.

I never really liked school as a kid and I was always in the office getting referrals, suspended, and even kicked out for talking back to the teachers. I never really got along with any of my teachers except one. His name was Mr.******, he helped me a lot during my time at school.

Now I am incarcerated talking about the changes in my life. The biggest change yet was being sentenced to the substance abuse program because this program is teaching me a lot of things. I am learning better ways to have a good relationship with my mom and deal with my drug addiction. I am not writing this for sympathy. I am writing it to encourage others not to live the way I lived. The way I was living was not good and now that I am being rehabilitated, I realize that doing drugs instead of going to school and stuff like that will mess up your life. Remember you can always change but you have to believe in yourself and want to change.