Writing Exchange
Summer 2009
Entry # 1
9:30 AM. Time to get shackeled up for court. I’m seventeen years old, getting chained up. They put the locks on my ankles so I don’t run away and they chain my hands to my knees with a chain and handcuffs. I get in the transfer vehicle and think to myself, I’m too young to go to prison. Suddenly we arrive. I walk through the hall and into the elevator. I get led into the court room and I see my family and my girl raising up my son so I can see him. Then I sit and the show starts. Everything is slow including time, then the judge said two words that hit me like a bullet: “Seven years.” My mind goes blank. I hear my family crying. I just get up and as I look at my family and everyone, they are all sad. I am not. I fill up with hate. Seven years in the state.
Entry # 2
I am a girl without a father
I wonder where he is
I hear people talk about him
I see his name on letters but never him
I am a girl without a father
I dream to be with him
I wish he never left
I pray to God to send him back to me
I am a girl without a father
I say to myself, why did he have to go
I think what its like to have a dad
I hope one day I will meet him
I am a girl with out a father
Entry # 3
I remember when I could walk down the street and not get judged for the way I look. I remember when I could stay away from drugs. I remember when I would go to school and kick it with my friends.
Now I’m a drug addict, stealing cars and playing around with guns. I can’t go a day without meth and doing something messed up to someone. Now I’m behind these prison walls locked up. Now my PO is taking me away from my mom and sending me to a group home.
I wish I was a different person than I am today. I wish I knew my dad better. I wish I could stop all my family violence. I wish I could stay out of jail. I wish I was a different person.
Entry # 4
Maybe…
Maybe if someone thought about something before they did it.
Maybe if someone took responsibility for what they did.
Maybe if someone did something for someone else.
Maybe if someone held out a hand to a crying face.
Maybe if someone gave one more chance.
Maybe if someone tried something new.
Maybe if someone had a little faith.
Maybe if someone gave a lot and took a little.
Maybe if someone said thank you.
Then maybe someone would make all the difference…
Entry # 5
Every time I come back to Juvenile Hall, I think about how I’m going to change, but I never seem to follow through with it once I get out. I’ve been locked up 5 times, but 3 have been in the past six months. It feels like I’ve been in here since December 26th when I came in. I did two months, got out, and then came back 14 days later. I did only 16 days in here and got back out, but only stayed out for a month and a half. Now I’m committed 180 days. I know I have a problem with drugs, but I just can’t seem to quit them. I have smoked weed since I was 8½ years old. It’s just an everyday thing for me. But now I’m force to quit. Otherwise I’ll go to a rehab placement for 9 months. I’m about to be 16 and I need to start thinking about where I’ll be if I continue what I’m doing: either dead or in prison, and that’s just not for me. So, I’ve been going to NA meetings in the hall and just trying to figure out how to live without any drugs in my life. I get out in late August and plan to never come back here or any other detention facility. One of the hardest things for me is when I go visiting for the first time I get back in here and see my mom crying.
Entry # 6
It was around 6:30 in the morning when I woke up in my friends car with blood all over me and the car. I asked my friend what happened and he said we got jumped and that they stabbed me. I looked down and saw a good sized cut on my right hand. I asked why and he said, “Because I shot at them right before we started kickin it last night.” I looked at him in disgust and asked why he didn’t tell me. He said he was scared and knew I would not kick it with him if he told me. He started to cry, saying, “I don’t know what to do.” I held him still and told him it was going to be OK. 6 weeks later someone came into his house and shot him 3 times. I write this, but still have so much respect for my friend who died in 2007.
Entry # 7
On the Outside…
I am loving
I am caring
I am intelligent
I am funny
I am always smiling
On the inside…
I am broken hearted
I am lost
I am self conscious
I am always sad
All together…
I AM ME!
Entry # 8
MI VIDA LOCA
I was born in Los Angeles, CA in October of 1993. My dad got murdered three months after I was born. We didn’t find out how it happened, but it was too late to do something about it. Time passed by and my mom met a wonderful man and got married to him. More time passed by and I started middle school and girls started to pick on me so I started fighting. I was expelled from school my seventh grade year and transferred to “El Puente”, a school for kids that got kicked out of school. I started to kick it with gang members and started doing really bad: getting locked up. I started doing drugs, got addicted to weed, and started cocaine. I didn’t want to admit to it. I thought I could stop doing these drugs, but I was wrong. I was already addicted to them. Now I’m in juvenile hall doing 63 days and 6 months in a group home. I guess I got what I wanted. I’m not going to see my family for 6 months. The only thing I could do now is pray for the time to go by fast. I can’t see my boyfriend or family; I’m feeling lonely and sad. I found out that there are no friends in the world but your family. So, all of you out there that think you have homies; there are no homies in life, just you and your family. Well, I owe my mom my life because if it hadn’t been for her, I would be dead by now.
Entry # 9
If I had a re-do, I would not have taken that first drink. I should have told my sister to stay because I was supposed to look after her. I could have been the only one going through all of the pain and suffering that was brought upon the both of us. But I didn’t. And now I have to live with that. I can not take it back and not matter how many times I say, “I’m sorry,” she will never forgive me for putting us both in that situation. I got it twice as bad that night and I’m paying for it worse than she is today. I just wish I could take that night back, but I can’t and now things will never be the same.
Entry # 10
‘‘The world today’’
The world around with life and death
Will take away a young man’s breath.
From robbing the old to raping girls.
What is going on in today’s world?
A young man’s heart black and cold
For when we do badly they always scold.
But when we do well they never know
Or proud for us they never show.
So what do you think we should do?
Knock someone out and take their shoes
Or help someone out when they fall
Who knows I’m just another kid in the hall.
Entry # 11
It all started by waking up to my brothers yelling. I didn’t think anything of it but I got up. Then all of a sudden my brother was holding me crying saying dads dead. I burst out in tears not believing him. I asked where my little sister was and my brother said she went to get help. I went outside and saw my sister and we went to go get my mom. When we were at my mom’s boyfriend’s house we were yelling, telling her dads dead. My mom started crying and said, “No, you guys are lying.” She came with us to our house. That’s when I saw my dad laying there under the computer desk. My mom laid him on his back and blood came out of his nose. I called the cops and the ambulance came. They told us to go wait outside while they put my dad in the living room. They were doing all kinds of things to try and get him to breathe. They said they got a heart beat but they needed to take him to the hospital. My aunt was there and she took us to the hospital. My mom asked one of the nurses if we could see my dad. She told us to wait in a little white room. All I was thinking was he’s gone, he’s gone. A doctor came and told us my dad passed away. I couldn’t believe it. It felt like my whole world came crashing down in so little time. My mom was freaking out and I was trying to calm her down. It seems like this day always replays in my head. R.I.P DAD
Entry # 12
CHANGE
I was someone who did not care about myself or others.
I remember I used to take money from my family.
I heard that my father died a brutal death.
I saw someone get shot right in front of me and my little cousin.
I worried if I was going to see my mom again.
I thought I was going to go to prison.
But, I want to change
I am a little thug.
I think I see the world as a ticking time bomb.
I try to improve by stopping drugs.
I’m angry because I’m locked up in a jail cell.
I forgive my mom for abandoning me when I was just a little baby.
Now I can change.
I will become a damn good lawyer.
I choose to stop doing drugs.
I dream about seeing my dad one of these days in heaven.
I hope I can start doing better.
I predict I am going to achieve my goals.
I know I can change and do things the right way.
I will change.
Entry # 13
I hate to see someone leave because I know they will never come back.
I hate the fact that I did a lot of damage to my family and put them though it all.
I hate that I have pain at times that I can’t control
I hate that my father banded my childhood and always made promises he never kept.
I hate seeing my mother suffer, struggle and pawn her jewelry just to get us by through the month so she could pay the rent.
I hate to hear my mother cry in her room asking God why, but most of all
I hate the fact that I have so much “Anger, Rage, Frustration & Hate”!
…That it won’t even let me shed a tear.
Entry # 14
If I didn’t have you!
If I didn’t have you, my life would be nothing.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be all messed up.
If I didn’t have you, my life would have no paths for me to go to.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be full of hate and revenge.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not know the world we live in.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not give a damn about anybody.
Now that I have you, my life is full of love and joy!
Your loving daughter!
Entry # 15
IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME
If you really knew me you would know that I’m an isolated person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a good going person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m locked up.
If you knew me you would know that I have been locked up for a while now.
If you really knew me you would know that I love to read books.
If you really knew me you would know that it’s rough out here though.
If you really knew me you would know that I love my mother.
If you really knew me you would know that I am worthy of success.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a great friend.
If you really knew me you would know that I have a tight circle of friends that I trust.
Entry # 16
Change
I was calm.
I remember getting locked up.
I heard everyone say they were disappointed in me.
I saw my sister die.
I worried about my mom.
I thought I would be dead by now.
But, I want to change.
I am quiet.
I think the world is cooled, careless.
I need to get out and move on with my life.
I try so hard.
I feel confused still.
I forgive myself for all the wrong I have done.
Now I can change.
I will do well.
I choose to be more thankful in life.
I dream that I will feel no pain or suffering.
I hope to get my mom’s trust back.
I predict I will do well and be out of the system.
I know I will have a good job and family.
I will change.
Entry # 17
My first time in
My last time out
I’ll protect my freedom without a doubt
I defended myself but I’m “gang related”
Nothing will work out, my mission’s stated
It’s weird when I think of Columbia, I think of snow
This rich man’s habit is making me slow
I was flying too high so they clipped my wings
The said I took advantage of my freedom.
Now I feel the West Nile sting.
Entry # 18
Tryin’ To Find My Way
Access accepted, change denied
So many years of hurt, pain and cries
Never got the truth, addicted to lies
Mama always workin’, daddy never in my life
Raised on my own, got the street addiction
Drug after drug, got me feelin’ acceptance
Goin’ to jail, thought this is how life is
Growin’ up, got no mind of a lil’ kid
Realized I wanted a better life, than moms and pops did
Thinkin in my cell, on the things I should’ve did
Some people in here, know that I sometimes feel down and out
I’m getting’ no sunshine on me, I’m getting rain and clouds
I want to pray to the Lord, so I can try to maintain
Because the outside streets got me goin’ insane
So many tears have fallin’, just for a lonely soldier
The war is gettin’ hotter, but the world is gettin’ colder
I’m pursuin’ a better life, so I’m tryin’ and tryin’
I’m losin’ my mind, from all this cryin’ and cryin’
I really am tryin’ to find my own way
So I’m prayin’ to the Lord day after day
Entry # 19
It was a Friday night, followed by a bad day. I knew the second I got home that I was going to get drunk. Like they had read my mind, my friends showed up at my doorstep. We took about two hours to get ready and without my mom’s permission, I left with my friends and we got picked up. I was under a lot of stress, so of course I was the one taking shots non-stop. I was drunk already after five shots, but I continued and multiplied to the point where I could barely see or walk straight. I always said that I could handle myself when I was drunk, but somewhere along my drunken night I got in a fight with my friend. At that point I was just ready to drink more. Everyone packed into one car and headed for another kick-back. At the new house I saw one of my old friends and we smoked a blunt. We wanted more alcohol so we headed for a gas station to steal a bottle. It is not like me to take something and run, but that’s exactly what I did. We got away, but we knew the cops were after us so we split up. I was so drunk, I didn’t know where I was and didn’t care. The next thing I knew was that I was greeted by a familiar set of red and blue lights. Since there were four cop cars, I gave up and sat down on the sidewalk where I cried for about 20 minutes as they asked me the same questions as they had a few times before. I was already on probation, so I knew what this meant: Juvenile Hall time and endless tears from my mother. Coming home that night, I felt like dying. I was so ashamed. I never thought I would get another charge. The days that followed included my mom starting to drink more than she already had and my little brother was sad all the time. Though I didn’t hit them, I felt just like my dad. I ruined my family with my reckless drinking problem and enhanced my mothers. If I could take back that night, I would in a heart beat.
Summer 2009
Entry # 1
9:30 AM. Time to get shackeled up for court. I’m seventeen years old, getting chained up. They put the locks on my ankles so I don’t run away and they chain my hands to my knees with a chain and handcuffs. I get in the transfer vehicle and think to myself, I’m too young to go to prison. Suddenly we arrive. I walk through the hall and into the elevator. I get led into the court room and I see my family and my girl raising up my son so I can see him. Then I sit and the show starts. Everything is slow including time, then the judge said two words that hit me like a bullet: “Seven years.” My mind goes blank. I hear my family crying. I just get up and as I look at my family and everyone, they are all sad. I am not. I fill up with hate. Seven years in the state.
Entry # 2
I am a girl without a father
I wonder where he is
I hear people talk about him
I see his name on letters but never him
I am a girl without a father
I dream to be with him
I wish he never left
I pray to God to send him back to me
I am a girl without a father
I say to myself, why did he have to go
I think what its like to have a dad
I hope one day I will meet him
I am a girl with out a father
Entry # 3
I remember when I could walk down the street and not get judged for the way I look. I remember when I could stay away from drugs. I remember when I would go to school and kick it with my friends.
Now I’m a drug addict, stealing cars and playing around with guns. I can’t go a day without meth and doing something messed up to someone. Now I’m behind these prison walls locked up. Now my PO is taking me away from my mom and sending me to a group home.
I wish I was a different person than I am today. I wish I knew my dad better. I wish I could stop all my family violence. I wish I could stay out of jail. I wish I was a different person.
Entry # 4
Maybe…
Maybe if someone thought about something before they did it.
Maybe if someone took responsibility for what they did.
Maybe if someone did something for someone else.
Maybe if someone held out a hand to a crying face.
Maybe if someone gave one more chance.
Maybe if someone tried something new.
Maybe if someone had a little faith.
Maybe if someone gave a lot and took a little.
Maybe if someone said thank you.
Then maybe someone would make all the difference…
Entry # 5
Every time I come back to Juvenile Hall, I think about how I’m going to change, but I never seem to follow through with it once I get out. I’ve been locked up 5 times, but 3 have been in the past six months. It feels like I’ve been in here since December 26th when I came in. I did two months, got out, and then came back 14 days later. I did only 16 days in here and got back out, but only stayed out for a month and a half. Now I’m committed 180 days. I know I have a problem with drugs, but I just can’t seem to quit them. I have smoked weed since I was 8½ years old. It’s just an everyday thing for me. But now I’m force to quit. Otherwise I’ll go to a rehab placement for 9 months. I’m about to be 16 and I need to start thinking about where I’ll be if I continue what I’m doing: either dead or in prison, and that’s just not for me. So, I’ve been going to NA meetings in the hall and just trying to figure out how to live without any drugs in my life. I get out in late August and plan to never come back here or any other detention facility. One of the hardest things for me is when I go visiting for the first time I get back in here and see my mom crying.
Entry # 6
It was around 6:30 in the morning when I woke up in my friends car with blood all over me and the car. I asked my friend what happened and he said we got jumped and that they stabbed me. I looked down and saw a good sized cut on my right hand. I asked why and he said, “Because I shot at them right before we started kickin it last night.” I looked at him in disgust and asked why he didn’t tell me. He said he was scared and knew I would not kick it with him if he told me. He started to cry, saying, “I don’t know what to do.” I held him still and told him it was going to be OK. 6 weeks later someone came into his house and shot him 3 times. I write this, but still have so much respect for my friend who died in 2007.
Entry # 7
On the Outside…
I am loving
I am caring
I am intelligent
I am funny
I am always smiling
On the inside…
I am broken hearted
I am lost
I am self conscious
I am always sad
All together…
I AM ME!
Entry # 8
MI VIDA LOCA
I was born in Los Angeles, CA in October of 1993. My dad got murdered three months after I was born. We didn’t find out how it happened, but it was too late to do something about it. Time passed by and my mom met a wonderful man and got married to him. More time passed by and I started middle school and girls started to pick on me so I started fighting. I was expelled from school my seventh grade year and transferred to “El Puente”, a school for kids that got kicked out of school. I started to kick it with gang members and started doing really bad: getting locked up. I started doing drugs, got addicted to weed, and started cocaine. I didn’t want to admit to it. I thought I could stop doing these drugs, but I was wrong. I was already addicted to them. Now I’m in juvenile hall doing 63 days and 6 months in a group home. I guess I got what I wanted. I’m not going to see my family for 6 months. The only thing I could do now is pray for the time to go by fast. I can’t see my boyfriend or family; I’m feeling lonely and sad. I found out that there are no friends in the world but your family. So, all of you out there that think you have homies; there are no homies in life, just you and your family. Well, I owe my mom my life because if it hadn’t been for her, I would be dead by now.
Entry # 9
If I had a re-do, I would not have taken that first drink. I should have told my sister to stay because I was supposed to look after her. I could have been the only one going through all of the pain and suffering that was brought upon the both of us. But I didn’t. And now I have to live with that. I can not take it back and not matter how many times I say, “I’m sorry,” she will never forgive me for putting us both in that situation. I got it twice as bad that night and I’m paying for it worse than she is today. I just wish I could take that night back, but I can’t and now things will never be the same.
Entry # 10
‘‘The world today’’
The world around with life and death
Will take away a young man’s breath.
From robbing the old to raping girls.
What is going on in today’s world?
A young man’s heart black and cold
For when we do badly they always scold.
But when we do well they never know
Or proud for us they never show.
So what do you think we should do?
Knock someone out and take their shoes
Or help someone out when they fall
Who knows I’m just another kid in the hall.
Entry # 11
It all started by waking up to my brothers yelling. I didn’t think anything of it but I got up. Then all of a sudden my brother was holding me crying saying dads dead. I burst out in tears not believing him. I asked where my little sister was and my brother said she went to get help. I went outside and saw my sister and we went to go get my mom. When we were at my mom’s boyfriend’s house we were yelling, telling her dads dead. My mom started crying and said, “No, you guys are lying.” She came with us to our house. That’s when I saw my dad laying there under the computer desk. My mom laid him on his back and blood came out of his nose. I called the cops and the ambulance came. They told us to go wait outside while they put my dad in the living room. They were doing all kinds of things to try and get him to breathe. They said they got a heart beat but they needed to take him to the hospital. My aunt was there and she took us to the hospital. My mom asked one of the nurses if we could see my dad. She told us to wait in a little white room. All I was thinking was he’s gone, he’s gone. A doctor came and told us my dad passed away. I couldn’t believe it. It felt like my whole world came crashing down in so little time. My mom was freaking out and I was trying to calm her down. It seems like this day always replays in my head. R.I.P DAD
Entry # 12
CHANGE
I was someone who did not care about myself or others.
I remember I used to take money from my family.
I heard that my father died a brutal death.
I saw someone get shot right in front of me and my little cousin.
I worried if I was going to see my mom again.
I thought I was going to go to prison.
But, I want to change
I am a little thug.
I think I see the world as a ticking time bomb.
I try to improve by stopping drugs.
I’m angry because I’m locked up in a jail cell.
I forgive my mom for abandoning me when I was just a little baby.
Now I can change.
I will become a damn good lawyer.
I choose to stop doing drugs.
I dream about seeing my dad one of these days in heaven.
I hope I can start doing better.
I predict I am going to achieve my goals.
I know I can change and do things the right way.
I will change.
Entry # 13
I hate to see someone leave because I know they will never come back.
I hate the fact that I did a lot of damage to my family and put them though it all.
I hate that I have pain at times that I can’t control
I hate that my father banded my childhood and always made promises he never kept.
I hate seeing my mother suffer, struggle and pawn her jewelry just to get us by through the month so she could pay the rent.
I hate to hear my mother cry in her room asking God why, but most of all
I hate the fact that I have so much “Anger, Rage, Frustration & Hate”!
…That it won’t even let me shed a tear.
Entry # 14
If I didn’t have you!
If I didn’t have you, my life would be nothing.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be all messed up.
If I didn’t have you, my life would have no paths for me to go to.
If I didn’t have you, my life would be full of hate and revenge.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not know the world we live in.
If I didn’t have you, my life would not give a damn about anybody.
Now that I have you, my life is full of love and joy!
Your loving daughter!
Entry # 15
IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME
If you really knew me you would know that I’m an isolated person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a good going person.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m locked up.
If you knew me you would know that I have been locked up for a while now.
If you really knew me you would know that I love to read books.
If you really knew me you would know that it’s rough out here though.
If you really knew me you would know that I love my mother.
If you really knew me you would know that I am worthy of success.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a great friend.
If you really knew me you would know that I have a tight circle of friends that I trust.
Entry # 16
Change
I was calm.
I remember getting locked up.
I heard everyone say they were disappointed in me.
I saw my sister die.
I worried about my mom.
I thought I would be dead by now.
But, I want to change.
I am quiet.
I think the world is cooled, careless.
I need to get out and move on with my life.
I try so hard.
I feel confused still.
I forgive myself for all the wrong I have done.
Now I can change.
I will do well.
I choose to be more thankful in life.
I dream that I will feel no pain or suffering.
I hope to get my mom’s trust back.
I predict I will do well and be out of the system.
I know I will have a good job and family.
I will change.
Entry # 17
My first time in
My last time out
I’ll protect my freedom without a doubt
I defended myself but I’m “gang related”
Nothing will work out, my mission’s stated
It’s weird when I think of Columbia, I think of snow
This rich man’s habit is making me slow
I was flying too high so they clipped my wings
The said I took advantage of my freedom.
Now I feel the West Nile sting.
Entry # 18
Tryin’ To Find My Way
Access accepted, change denied
So many years of hurt, pain and cries
Never got the truth, addicted to lies
Mama always workin’, daddy never in my life
Raised on my own, got the street addiction
Drug after drug, got me feelin’ acceptance
Goin’ to jail, thought this is how life is
Growin’ up, got no mind of a lil’ kid
Realized I wanted a better life, than moms and pops did
Thinkin in my cell, on the things I should’ve did
Some people in here, know that I sometimes feel down and out
I’m getting’ no sunshine on me, I’m getting rain and clouds
I want to pray to the Lord, so I can try to maintain
Because the outside streets got me goin’ insane
So many tears have fallin’, just for a lonely soldier
The war is gettin’ hotter, but the world is gettin’ colder
I’m pursuin’ a better life, so I’m tryin’ and tryin’
I’m losin’ my mind, from all this cryin’ and cryin’
I really am tryin’ to find my own way
So I’m prayin’ to the Lord day after day
Entry # 19
It was a Friday night, followed by a bad day. I knew the second I got home that I was going to get drunk. Like they had read my mind, my friends showed up at my doorstep. We took about two hours to get ready and without my mom’s permission, I left with my friends and we got picked up. I was under a lot of stress, so of course I was the one taking shots non-stop. I was drunk already after five shots, but I continued and multiplied to the point where I could barely see or walk straight. I always said that I could handle myself when I was drunk, but somewhere along my drunken night I got in a fight with my friend. At that point I was just ready to drink more. Everyone packed into one car and headed for another kick-back. At the new house I saw one of my old friends and we smoked a blunt. We wanted more alcohol so we headed for a gas station to steal a bottle. It is not like me to take something and run, but that’s exactly what I did. We got away, but we knew the cops were after us so we split up. I was so drunk, I didn’t know where I was and didn’t care. The next thing I knew was that I was greeted by a familiar set of red and blue lights. Since there were four cop cars, I gave up and sat down on the sidewalk where I cried for about 20 minutes as they asked me the same questions as they had a few times before. I was already on probation, so I knew what this meant: Juvenile Hall time and endless tears from my mother. Coming home that night, I felt like dying. I was so ashamed. I never thought I would get another charge. The days that followed included my mom starting to drink more than she already had and my little brother was sad all the time. Though I didn’t hit them, I felt just like my dad. I ruined my family with my reckless drinking problem and enhanced my mothers. If I could take back that night, I would in a heart beat.
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