Summer 2010

Entry #1
I remember waking up in a cold room on the ground to my mom screaming and my brothers yelling. I walked in the next room and my dad was beating my mom. I remember my older brother got my dad in a headlock, socking my dad and the next thing I remember is my brother pulling a gun out and shooting my dad. Next, I remember standing over my dad and his last words to me: “I love you son.” I remember the look on my brother’s face after the cops arrested him.
Three months later I remember going to my brother’s court date and the judge sentencing him to 25 years with the possibility of getting out on parole in 10 with good behavior because he was protecting my mom. My mom fell to her knees saying, “No, don’t take my son away from me.”
Four months later, I got to talk to my brother for the first time. I remember him saying, “Keep your head up and be the man of the house.”

Entry #2
A Young Father
A young father struggling
Looking for an easy way out
On my first day of school I was tripping
To comfort me there was no one around
An innocent father with all hope gone
I find myself destroyed by drugs
Will I forget about my daughters because I’m destroyed by drugs?
I go to school and work
And face a new problem every single day
I learn about useless things in class everyday
But soon will I get myself together
I don’t even know that myself
Because it’s a struggle to survive and I’m feeling
Twisted in different zones of living everyday
My life is just like a boat I have to try and stay afloat
With the ups and downs there is no way I can tell if a wave of
Emotions will make me sink deep in a cold place where a heart can’t bear
I’m just a young father trapped in a place full of space
Struggling to live my life and make the best for my little girls

Entry #3
I used to be such an innocent girl: straight edge, great family relationships, and amazing friends. But something happened, something unlike me. Alcohol became my life. Day by day I began stealing bottle after bottle, getting as drunk as I could and putting myself in the worst situations. Breakfast, a beer. Lunch, a bottle. Night, who knows where I am or what I am doing? I’m wasted. School became my last priority. Mom and friends worried, telling me alcohol leads to drugs, but do I care? No. I’m the selfish user, now addicted to ecstasy, pawning stuff I used to value for the drugs I feel I need. Pill by pill, I
feel my brain going mad, but do I care about myself? I guess not. Cocaine crazy, but my body feels somewhat lazy. I snort some lines and feel divine; minutes later I want to commit a crime. Another 40 bucks down the drain, for a drug that can cause so much pain. My pretty face, turning into waste. My fate depends on these sins, but something inside me is nudging me to stop. I can’t stop. Drugs and Alcohol are all I’ve got. More and more, life’s starting to turn into a bore. Addictions got me hooked, whishing I could take a good look….at what this is turning me in to. What happened to that smart beautiful young girl? Drugs and alcohol are now her world.

Entry #4
Myself
I sit in a pool of emptiness and despair.
Everyday I wish for someone to come, but no one is there.
As I sit in my cell, in a puddle of tears,
I can do nothing but face my fears.
I’m alone on this journey and can’t accept any help.
For the only person to blame for this is myself.

Entry #5
I remember when I was seven. My dad was never there.
I remember when my dad came home from tweaking and just slept.
I remember when he would get up and be angry and beat me and my brother.
I remember when my mom came home and she would ask what happened. My dad always told us to say we were playing and fell and hit our face.
I remember when I had to take care of my brother because nobody else was there to do it.
I remember when me and my brother drank all of the Kool-Aid and my dad woke up and wanted some. He beat us both with the pitcher.
I remember when me and my brother were playing and I gave my brother a black eye and he went and told my dad. My dad got some rope and tied it to the tree and tried to hang me.
I remember my brother standing under me so I wouldn’t die and he stood there until somebody walking down the street got me of the rope. My dad said he was sorry, but I know he wasn’t. He told me not to tell my mom.
I remember when me and my brother found my dad’s dope stash. We told my mom. He thought it was my brother that told, so he tried to beat him. That’s when I told him it was me, so he hit me in the face and I fell to the ground. He tried to kick me, but I put my hands up and he broke my fingers and hands.

Entry #6
Regret
Running away
Is the thing I regret the most
Is the thing I chose to do?
Running away
Is the worst Thing I have ever done?
Running away
Can it get any worse than this?
Running away
Now I’m bad to the bone
Running away
Can my mom forgive me?
Now my family needs me
Running away
Now I have to sit in these six walls
Running away
These halls of hell
Running away
I need to get out
Running away
Can you help me now?
Running away

Entry #7
If I woke up and a miracle had happened in my life, it would have to be that I am not locked up anymore. I would go to sleep in juvenile hall and wake up seeing my bedroom not a cell. There would be the smell of breakfast in my nose and the sound of my little brother playing in the other room. I would feel warmth and happiness running through my body. It would have to be the nicest day of my life.

Entry #8
I remember April of 2009. That’s when my life had a dramatic change. I remember waking up still sick from all the pills I took the night before with four cops and a social worker telling me to grab what I can and that I would be placed in a foster home. The first thing that hit my mind was to run, but then they told me I was going away for just enough time to get off drugs and before I killed myself or hurt anybody else. I didn’t have a drug addiction like meth. I was addicted to the high of prescription medications. On a normal day I was taking up to 13 Norcos and then 10 Xanax at the end of the night just so I could go to sleep calmly and not feel the withdrawals through the night. I just didn’t understand why my mom had seen me in this situation for over a year and now wanted to do something about it.
I then went to a foster home where I stayed for two days before going on the run to Arizona to stay with a brother. I got tired of it after about a week of not having drug. I came back to California to live with my dad, where we just popped pills together. It led to both of us in a psych hospital for an OD. If no one would have seen us that next morning in the dining room and got the ambulance, we both would be dead now. When I finally got released, I went through 16 more placements, not counting running and sleeping under a walk path in the park just to stay out of the rain. My mom realized I didn’t want to help myself and gave up on me. Eventually, so did CPS. They then locked me up in April, where I will stay until my 18th birthday.
With the time I have been sober, I realized it’s nobodies fault but mine. Yeah, I still believe they could have tried to help me differently, but all that matters is I’m clean and clear headed. I just hope I can be as strong as I am now to keep the hatred for drugs and what they have done to me.

Entry #9
If you really knew me you would know that one day I decided to run from my group home. When I got back to my county, it was all fun and games and parties until one day I met my lady. She made my life do a 180. I stopped doing drugs and I stopped drinking. I was doing good and I even had a job and a place to stay. The thing is that after 3 ½ months of doing good, I forgot I ran from the group home and one day they finally caught me. I got locked up again. I was angry and sad at the same time, but I dealt with it. A couple of days later I call my girl and she has good news for me: she’s pregnant. That was the happiest day of my life. Than a month and a half later, I call her again and she has bad news for me. She had a miscarriage. When she told me I felt devastated. I didn’t know what to do. That was the saddest day of my life.

Entry #10
I remember the fights and the screams. So I would take off skating down the street. I remember the long nights with no sleep, with no electricity and no heat. I remember thick clouds of smoke and tons of little baggies filled with dope. It was like I was all alone, the only way to take the pain away was to get stoned. I wanted to just skate away and never look back. I never wanted to be around to face the facts. I hated my life and everybody around. I hated the way everything was going down. I hated my life and when I skated by everybody would stare. I knew exactly what they were thinking, “There goes the freak with the long hair.” But what they didn’t know is that it could’ve been over with one loud sound that carries through the air!

Entry #11
BIGGEST IMPACT
My Dad was the biggest impact in my life.
Before he passed away he wanted me to be a man and to take care of
My house and family when he was gone.
I feel like I failed him because I put my family through so much pain.
Look at me I’m locked up.
My mom is struggling out there.
He taught me everything I know today like how to drive, how to work on car’s, how to clean yards
He never gave up. He’s my motivation
Besides my mom, I just wish I could thank him for what he did for me and my family.

Entry #12
Dreams and Reality
In my dreams,
I have someone I can call my own,
But in reality, I am all alone.
In my dreams,
I can buy anything in the world, no matter the cost,
But in reality, I’m so confused and lost.
In my dreams,
I’m king of the stars,
But in reality, I’m just a criminal behind metal bars.

Entry #13
I remember when I was just a baby looking for the love my parents never gave me. I remember when my brother and the homies would get spun out in my room. I remember seeing them do shrooms. I remember looking up to my big brother. I remember him cussing at my mother. I remember seeing my brother tuck in guns. I remember seeing the cops take his freedom. I remember always trying to be like my big brother, even though his actions hurt my mother.
I remember when I was not so old; I remember the fist day that I stole. I remember getting arrested for the first time at 11. I kind of already knew I wasn’t going to heaven. I remember getting in trouble. I loved the feeling of being like my big brother. I remember getting jumped in. It was just over ten seconds.
My life has been nothing but trouble and stress. I think about dying. My life is such a mess. I’ve been locked up since 2009. I have been here for nine months. I guess that is just life.

Entry #14
I remember when I was eight. It was the first time I saw my dad. He just got out of prison after 9 years.
I remember when I was 9. It was the first time I told him I hated him.
I remember when I was 10. The judges told me I was like my dad.
I remember when I was 11 and all I could think about was, “I’m not like that punk.”
I remember when I was 12. The judge said my future was prison.
I remember when I was 13. The judge said, “I wish you luck in CYA.” Then he gave me 7 years.
Only if they really knew who I was. Only if they gave me the attention I’ve always wanted. I would never be here.
I remember when I grew up and said, “I love my father.” From that day my life came together.

Entry #15
Since the day I was pushed from the womb, I have been destined for the pen. My father was on the run for over 12 felonies and all my aunts and my uncle were in jail for murder…even my grandma. I got jumped into a gang when I was eight and since that day, I just pushed myself closer to the gates of high dessert with my grandpa. Even though she smokes dope, I hate what I have done to my mother. I hate the fact that my little brother and all his friends rep stuff that got me shot at and five of my friends removed from the turf. I hate that my daughter is growing up and I’m locked up for banging, hoping one day I could have the most tattoos or the most respect, the most connections, but in reality all I was doing is walking towards the gates of San Quinton. I try my hardest to change, but I feel it’s too late. I hope that if someone can get a message from this that you see if you love freedom, if you really love your life, that you won’t do what I did, because this really is not the life you see.

Entry #16
I remember when I went to court and the judge called me a threat to society.
I remember my parent’s crying when I looked into their eyes.
I can still see the disappointment but when they talked to me I saw they still loved me.
I remember the six of us sitting in court.
If you knew me, you would be mad at me for being locked up.
I remember seeing tears in my big bro’s eyes.
If you really knew me you would know I’m going to CYA.
I’m just sitting and waiting in the hall till I get transferred.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.
I’m just striving to survive, just to see my family and girl one more time.
I’m just wondering if I’ll ever get out.


Entry #17
If you really knew me you would say that I was a young dumb girl.
If you really knew me you would say that I was just happy all the time.
If you really knew me you would say that I was heartless.
If you really knew me you would say I was angry.
If you really knew me you would say I was violent.
If you really knew me you would say I was jealous.
If you really knew me you would say that I was a person who loved to drink.
If you really knew me you would say that I was a person that loved to smoke weed.
If you really knew me you would say that I do meth just because.
If you really knew me you would say I smile a lot.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I'm just a scared girl.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that being happy & loud is the only way I know how to cover my scars.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I was taught not to show emotions.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m violent because that’s the only way I know how to fight back.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m jealous because I’m afraid to lose another person.
If you really knew me you would KNOW I love to drink because truly I’m an alcoholic & that’s the only way I express myself.
If you really knew me you would know that I love to smoke weed because truly I’m a pot head and it’s the only way I know how to calm down.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I do meth not just because, I do it to hit or forget reality.
If you really knew me you would KNOW that I’m just a sad, insecure, lost, young girl in this world!

Entry #18
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I guess you could say that I am for lack of a better word, insane. I have been catching felonies for the last two years, over and over again. At least I can say I’m consistent. They tell me drugs are my problem, so I get clean. I stay clean for a couple of months and then I get stuck with another felony and I’m sitting in the hall again, like, “What the ****.” I like to think I’m an accountable person. I know that I’ve made quite a few poor decisions and to be honest, I see no end in sight. I feel that I am prison bound. But I am not prison material. I have the will and the strength to get off this self destructive path, but I have no idea where to go after that. Part of me wants to say screw it and get high on any and every substance I can find. In the back of my mind, I know that if I did that I will be worse off than I am now. I just want to be rid of all of this. They say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, well, I don’t even know where the damn tunnel is. Confusion is an everyday thing for me. For now I will play it by ear…. things can only get better…what does not break you will only make you stronger.

Entry #19
A young soul, wondering on this earth as you are too.
Looking for answers for my life now, my life then, and what is to come when death arrives.
I don’t remember my first day of school, but I remember feeling as if I didn’t belong.
To comfort me I had sleep, because in sleep I had no boundaries, no fear, no one to judge or hurt me, and my mind and soul could wonder freely hand in hand.
An innocent soul turning to drugs to find some kind of release outside of sleep, and in the end, I spiraled down and I lost myself.
I found myself in sobriety because I could no longer hide from myself, my feelings and the world.
An Innocent girl longing for acceptance
Will I forget the pain?
The pain I caused? The pain I received.
I go to a special place to escape, but no longer in drugs, but in art and music, escape from all the painful thoughts that still conquer my mind.
I go to escape to a place where I am surrounded by euphoria and meet my soul again, and regain who I am and who I once was.
I learn about myself, my morals, and why I did the things that I did.
Now comes the time to forgive and forget, to be forgiven and love myself and others.

Entry #20
I remember that first hit of dope. That is the day I ruined my life. At first I loved it. It was my everything. It made me feel good, powerful, and on top of the world. Who would have thought I’d end up the way I did. I’d stay up for long periods at a time. I’d start hallucinating not knowing what to do with myself, but you see that didn’t stop me. I became a liar, cheater, and a thief. I’d steal from friends. I’d lie to my mom and run from probation. I did not give a damn about how I made you feel, I only cared about the pipe. At the end it got me nowhere, but locked up. Now I’m sitting here in the hall regretting everything I did, but what good does that do me. I’m only a kid.

Entry #21
If you really knew me………
If you really knew me….you’d know my birthday.
If you really knew me….you’d know my actions.
If you really knew me….you’d love me for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my situation.
If you really knew me….you’d be there for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my likes and dislikes.
If you really knew me….you’d write me.
If you really knew me….you’d see what I see.
If you really knew me….you’d know how much I like to hear I love you.
If you really knew me….you’d know that I love you.
If you really knew me….you’d care for me.
If you really knew me….you’d know my middle name.
If you really knew me….you’d know I was addicted to drugs.
If you really knew me….you’d know who I was.
If you really knew me….you’d know the real me.

Entry #22
The Canary’s Song
Oh, sweet, little, yellow, song bird.
Oh, how I wish I could see you perched on my window sill once more.
Oh, to hear you’re soft, angelic voice again.
Oh, how I miss you truly.
Oh, how I miss your stories of faraway lands.
Oh, sweet, little, yellow, song bird.
Oh, how to hear you sing of freedom, life, and love.
Oh, how sorrowful it is to know your fate.
Oh, how shall I punish that fat, little Calico cat?