09-10 Exchange

Entry # 53
My New Year’s Resolution

When I was a young kid, like all kids, I had dreams and ambitions I was sure I would make true. As time went by and I matured I often wondered about the reality of my dreams. As the events played out in my teenage years and my interests changed so did my dreams and ambitions, landing me in a place I never even considered being in. Some would say “That’s life.” I’d have to say I disagree with that. If I was able to cause this mess then there must be a way to clean it up right?

As a kid the only thing that truly interested me was basketball. I dreamed of playing in the NBA as I watched Michael Jordan win championship after championship. I played on a travel team from 4th grade up until high school. In elementary school I was Most Valuable Player in 5th and 6th grade, and also in middle school. When I was out on the basketball court I felt a sense of confidence that I carried with me everywhere I went. I felt like there was no one on the other team that could stop me, and that confidence led to a lot of accomplishments off the court as well.

When I got to high school I was introduced to peer-pressure, drugs, and alcohol. As a freshman I was on the junior varsity basketball squad and started the season. After the season I was moved up to varsity. During the off-season, being curious, I got into some habits I thought were enjoyable. By my sophomore year I was ready to play varsity, but as some things went wrong I had to adjust. I found an interest in football and tried out for the junior varsity team. I had no idea my basketball coach thought I should only play one sport. He decided to put me back on the JV team and it deeply upset me. The coach and I had our differences and I chose to go my separate way and just play football.

My sophomore year I got into trouble with drugs and was put in an outpatient program. I hated the fact that I had to get drug tested twice a week and participate in group and awareness meetings. Instead of choosing to better myself and do what was expected of me, I felt like rebelling and I continued to use. I was cheating my way through a program which was also my probation. At the time I didn’t realize that what I was doing was completely wrong and nothing good would come out of it. I ended up getting sent to a continuation school because I was behind on my credits and I had poor attendance. When I got a dirty drug test I knew I was going to be put in custody so I went on the run. I was only on the run for about a week before getting caught and realizing what I was doing was not right. I had been running away from my problems for the past year and had lost a lot of my ambition from smoking weed and using other substances.

I was sentenced to six months in a substance abuse unit and when I was on the detention side I had reapplied my faith in God and asked him to save me from what I have become. I asked him to help me get through this time with strength, courage, and regain my ambition to do well. I have only been in custody for about three weeks but have learned a lot about what is right and what is wrong. I had been in a fog for the past year or so and being in here has given me a lot of clarity.

In conclusion, as the New Year comes around I hope to be clean and sober for the year 2010. However, what I really want is for my mind to be in the place that it was before I began using drugs. A place where I had no worries, had self confidence, and an imagination that would take me anywhere I wanted to go. I know that with another chance to do right with God now by my side I can accomplish whatever I want to. I’m sure there are a lot of kids that have been through similar situations as me, and what I hope they learn even if they haven’t been caught, is that it’s better to have what’s truly important to you than to be afraid to accept it.

Entry # 54
I think that all this time I have been acting stupidly, showing more love to my friends than to my family. Basically, I have loved my friends more than my own mom. I mean, when my mom wants me to do good, I do bad and when my friends need me to jump someone I do it. It just isn’t right. So I am going to start to show love to my mom like I have to my friends. I want to have a regular life with my girl and friends not with a bunch of guys in the hall!

Entry #55
I think my girlfriend is the closest person to me in my life.
She is going be 19 years old and we have a 4 month old baby.
When I was messing up, she would try to help me even though I would ignore her.
She never gave up on me and always was there for me. I know she wants the best for me. I’m trying to do better now, since my son is in this world. I want to be the father for him I never had!
My love has grown big for him and for my lady.

Entry #56
Locked up for the holidays
My birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine Day, I get to spend in the juvenile justice campus. Not only does that affect me, it also affects my family in many different ways. My mom feels like something’s always missing. Since my brother is 20 years old he doesn’t live at the house anymore, who is my mom supposed to spend her holidays with?
My first holiday locked up was Halloween. I had to think about how much fun all my friends were having that night and how I could have dressed up and gotten lots of candy. I got letters from my friends telling me all the things they did that night and how they wished I was there. I listened to my mom tell me she was crying all night because she knew I wasn’t happy. I didn’t think it was fair because I felt so lonely.
On Thanksgiving, yes, we had a dinner with so much food and everyone sat down and talked about how grateful they were, but there was still something missing. I’ve always had Thanksgiving with my mom, brother, step-dad, grandparents (from both sides), friends, and everyone I loved. Not this year though, this year I got to spend Thanksgiving in my room thinking about all of my family and how they miss me.
My third holiday is Christmas. Every year ******* always got the most presents. We are going to have a Christmas party here but without my family. My mom already told me this Christmas is going to be one of the worst days ever! I told her that if she wants the satisfaction of having a gift for me under the tree she can buy me a one hour back massage. She said that would get her hopes up and just remind her that I’m not there.
The rest of the days I’m missing are not as important as those three holidays. It still doesn’t feel good knowing that I’m incarcerated for all of the important holidays. Now I am going to appreciate the little things, just spending time with my family is all I wish I could do. I miss my family and just doing family things. When I get out I plan on making it up to my family in many different ways.


Entry #57
I think fitting in isn’t really important. Personally, in the past I did like to fit in when I was with a group of friends. One day I was walking with them and we saw someone that one of my friends hated. We ran after this guy dropped him to the floor and stole all the items he had with him. What I really felt bad about is that I did something very crude to him when he was all beat up. I just did it so that my friends would laugh and I would be able to fit in. Fitting in back then was necessary because I wanted to be respected by my friends. If you have friends that think that kind of stuff is cool you shouldn’t hang around with them.

Entry #58
A Guilty Conscience
The fact is that you know when you’re guilty. When someone confesses to a murder, it is because they can’t go on living as if nothing is wrong. When I was tweaking, I didn’t really care if I got caught or not. I hoped I would at first because I really wanted help. I just couldn’t stand it. I was living a double life. I was a loving son by day, stoner, cokehead, and tweaker by night. I was on the verge of destruction. With all the drugs that I was using, I was having a bad enough time. Plus, I was keeping it a secret. I just couldn’t stand it. When the cops came through my front door to arrest me, I didn’t care, I was relieved. My double life was over. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Even though I was going to get locked up, the pressure was gone.

Entry #59
The most important person in my life is my little brother because he is my heart. Because he is my younger brother, I have taken care of him and shown him the right way in life and to do the right things.

Entry #60
Growing up I was always my own person. I always had my own personality and individual way of doing things. Even as a little girl I would meticulously dress myself in an array of interesting garments. My signature outfit was a blue cowboy hat, rain boots, my mother’s slip and colorful scarves. I never thought twice about my wardrobe and it never occurred to me that no one else put on shows for their toys or rescued bugs from the rain. Around second grade I started hanging out with the ‘popular girls’. It was then that I started to notice I was well, a little different. These girls put me down for not being like them. Being so young, I figured, since everyone liked them, they would like me if I was more like them. So naturally, I began to emulate them in appearance and attitude. I tried this out until about 5th grade. It just didn’t suit me to be like these girls. I never felt more out of my skin. When I took the plunge and went back to just being me I realized that I was much happier. The new friends I acquired were much nicer and down to earth. I’m actually still close with a majority of them. Life’s better when you learn not to let other’s opinions and comments get to you. If you need to put on a mask to fit into a certain crowd, you’re only holding yourself back. I would suggest surrounding yourself with people who make you happy, not people who put you down.

Entry #61
I used to think that fitting in was always cool. I used to always try to fit in with people I didn’t like and did things I didn’t want to. There was one thing that I did that I regret even to this day, that was trying to fit into the wrong crowd. That crowd was known as The Tweakers. Always being so curious of everything, I decided to fall into the meth addict group. I thought that they were cool with so many friends and money, I wanted to fit into that category too. So by doing that I decided to hang out with them every day. I didn’t think that they were bad people or anything because I was so naïve.
After a couple of months hanging out with them and my two older sisters, they passed the pipe toward me. I was wondering when they were going to let me join them by smoking whatever the hell they were smoking. So I guess when they handed me the pipe I really didn’t hesitate much. The moment I took that pipe I thought I was cool and that everyone would be cool with me. I was dead wrong. After the next couple of months, I was incarcerated for possession of a narcotic. Boy even that didn’t slap me back into reality.
Now that I look back to the first day of trying to fit into a stupid group of people, I can just say take a look at yourself dummy, where are your so-call-friends now?

Entry #62
Hit of RealityDrugs were my life, all I thought about, All I liked.You misunderstand meI think I know whyBecause, you didn’t have as hard as a life as I.
Dad beat my momNow he’s gone, makes me feel I did wrong.
Step dad came in, now he’s daddyAt least he is proud of me
Slowly after being abandonedFinding out he’s gone, dead foreverDrugs jumped on the wagon
Now do you understand my addiction?Just being left for no reason
Feeling empty and coldMy true feelings show
So let me ask you, Are you still going to judge me?Now that you see deep down Why, I am me
This is my slap of realityyou don’t have the right to judge me


Entry #63
Friends

I remember.
I remember being with my friends, lighter in my right, the pipe in my left.
I remember the looks on their faces as I sucked in that harsh marijuana smoke for the first time.
I remember how high I got, and I remember how good I felt that I had finally done it. It was good.

I remember.
I remember being at my friend’s house, we had no more weed and still weren’t stoned.
I remember them breaking into their parents liquor cabinet and bringing out some hard ****, whiskey among them.
I remember slamming shots at first and then just finally guzzling the bottle.
I remember how drunk I got.
I remember what my friends thought of me. I remember that they were the ones that gave me the drink.

I remember.
At one time or another, I remember being at another friend’s house, another kind of drug, and another day where I got high on the drug for the first time.
And then I remember doing it again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
Weed, drink, coke, crank, thizzles, KJ, PCP, prescription pills, shrooms, heroine, acid, all of these and all of those combined.
All of these, I remember.

And here I am incarcerated for 6 months, remembering.


Entry #64
The Biggest Changes in My Life

I’ve had a lot of changes in my life. I don’t know where to start. I had a difficult time typing this because my past is very hard to talk about.

One big change in my life was when I was young and my mom and dad got a divorce. My dad didn’t want to take care of me and my older brother. My mom did what she could to be the good mom that she is. That was a really a big impact growing up without a father and mom always working to support us so we can have clothes, shoes and a roof over our head.

A big problem for me was I never went to see my dad and my brother was out with his friends getting in trouble. I would always promise mom that I would be good and not get into trouble. Yet I started following his footsteps and I realized that I was a lot worse than my brother was at thirteen. I was out drinking, smoking and doing whatever I wanted, because I didn’t know any better.

I always wanted to have money, so when my mom found out that I was smoking and drinking she stopped providing cash. I then got money by going out with my friends, stealing stuff, selling drugs or whatever I could steal to sell. I was fourteen at the time, always getting arrested and incarcerated.

I never really liked school as a kid and I was always in the office getting referrals, suspended, and even kicked out for talking back to the teachers. I never really got along with any of my teachers except one. His name was Mr.******, he helped me a lot during my time at school.

Now I am incarcerated talking about the changes in my life. The biggest change yet was being sentenced to the substance abuse program because this program is teaching me a lot of things. I am learning better ways to have a good relationship with my mom and deal with my drug addiction. I am not writing this for sympathy. I am writing it to encourage others not to live the way I lived. The way I was living was not good and now that I am being rehabilitated, I realize that doing drugs instead of going to school and stuff like that will mess up your life. Remember you can always change but you have to believe in yourself and want to change.