Writing Exchange IV

Writing Exchange IV
Fresno and Butte County Juvenile Halls
July 17, 2008

Journal #46
I'm on the wrong road. I grew up with older people telling me what I should do to be remembered. They told me I should be true, and that I should hate my enemies on sight. They also taught me how to shoot, and shoot to kill. When I was growing up, I thought this was the way of life. I also thought I was on the right path; until I got locked up--attempted murder, my first offense. The judge told me I was getting 25 years to life. Then they dropped it to 7 years. Now I sit here thinking of how all those people were telling me lies. When I get out, I'm going to get on the right path, even though it won't be easy. At least now I know I'm on the road to success.

Journal #47
It seems like I’ve been traveling the road to failure for quite sometime now. Doing drugs and breaking the law has gotten me nowhere. If I could have just said no to drugs that first time, things would be a lot different now. But, I think things are going to be different when I get out. I’m starting to set long-term goals and I’m growing more confident in my ability to succeed. I will be great one day, I can feel it. I’m getting off the path of destruction and starting to walk the narrow path that leads to life. This is going to be a good change.

Journal #48
I’m on a path to prison. I’ve been to Juvenile Hall four times, but I don’t want to be on this path. I want to go to school and to become a mechanic. I want to have kids, a house, and to turn my life around, but it is really hard. I’m 11 years old. I’m going to be in Juvenile Hall on my 12th birthday plus I will be looking at six months on EMP (Electric Monitoring Program).
These are my main goals in life: to finish school, become a mechanic, buy a house, and to have kids. I would also like to own a jet black 86 Chevy Camero with red leather interior and chrome rims. I’ll get there by finishing school and going to college. I’m going to take responsibility and I am going to obey the law.
My role models are my grandpa and my step grandpa. My grandpa is a retired NASA worker. My step grandpa is the owner of a winery. I want to be like them.

Journal #49
My path consists of good and bad. The good includes that I do participate in school. I also have a few positive friends that have helped me to do better things. My family is very supportive and for the most part, they have been a good motivation to stay away from my habits.
Though I have people to motivate me, I can’t seem to keep myself together. Maybe it is the lack of goals or dreams. I can’t seem to look ahead or stay positive. Lately drugs have become a big part of my life. It’s like I’ll try to stay away from drugs and alcohol, but bad things just keep coming and drugs always seem to be the best way out. Sometimes I myself don’t even understand why I put myself through so much. I had a good life and I’m throwing it away.
In my life, I want to experience happiness or some kind of reason to wake up in the mornings. I know that I will never find happiness by the things I am doing now. I guess my goal would be to graduate and go to college. Right now I love writing. If I were able to be a writer, I would like that. Of course I want a family of my own. I want a life that doesn’t consist of drugs or crimes or jail. It sounds so easy to just give it all up. It is not.

Journal #50
My dream is to be a professional football player. I’ve been playing football since I was a fifth grader. When I became an eighth grader, I got into weed. Ever since I’ve been smoking weed, my life changed. I started hanging out with gangsters. I started to get drunk and go to parties. I also used to stay out late. My grades dropped a lot.
Now I’m a tenth grader and I’m locked up here in juvenile hall. This is the first time I’ve been clean in a long time. Now I’ve realized what I got myself into. So now whenever I get out, I’m going to start going to church and hanging out with a different crowd. I’m going to get back into a regular school and play some ball and hopefully go on and play pro ball. THAT’S MY DREAM.

Journal #51
One day I sat to think of what my life will soon become,
Will I make it to my 21st or have a shorter run?
It’s hard to tell when I’m unaware of the struggles that lie ahead,
Will I find the strength to change my ways or will I just be dead?
I try each day to make it better than the last because deep down I know I must,
When I’m through those doors I fall back to the past because it’s the only thing I trust.
Maybe one day I’ll do what I need and let my music take me away,
Until that happens it’s back to my life of being a soul that strays.
So while I stay and carry on, I continue to write and pray,
And if my prayers are ever answered that’s the day I’ll pave my way.

Journal #52
I remember a day when I almost fell to my death. I was up for three days. I didn’t sleep; I didn’t eat; I didn’t drink. Crystal had taken full control of me. It was the third day; I had turned into a beast. There was no going back; I just smoked two eight balls to the dome. What could I do? “Don’t stop, you need it, it makes you feel good”, the devil told me. So, I didn’t stop smoking and nobody in my path was going to make me!
That was until Friday morning when crystal almost took my life. I was scared; everything was spinning round and round. I was tripping out; then my chest was hurting like someone stabbed it. I couldn’t breathe, my face went numb and my heart was pounding faster than ever. I thought I was going to explode. I called for an ambulance; next thing I know is that I’m in an ambulance with all kinds of things hooked up to me. I asked the paramedic sitting next to me “Will I make it?” He told me “Not if your heart doesn’t slow down.”
At that point I thought I was gone for sure this time, but the paramedics explained to me that everything was going to be alright and that I was lucky they got to me in time. I finally arrive at the hospital. I was there all day, and then my dad showed up. He was mad at me. I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t even speak to me. I wish I could’ve taken it all back and gone home with my dad when he asked me three days before.

Journal #53
I feel like my path has been chosen for me
Knives, drugs, mistakes and agony
Sitting behind these walls
Will I ever be free?
I am so far down the path
I’ve had my fair share of wrath
Trying to do right and always doing wrong
Stuck on stupid hitting the bong
Everyone tells me I am to blame
My whole life is a shame
Can I go the other way?
I am hoping, maybe, someday
I am better than this, wait and see
I can go the other way
Just watch me

Journal #54
One road, two paths.
Where am I at?
Which way should I go?
Should I follow?
Should I lead?
I'm my own type of person, with my own type of needs.
Should I change or should I stay?
Change for my new family, or stay for me.
Inside of me, I need to change;
but I still act a little insane.
I need to change.
Not just for me,
but to show the people who put me down,
I went all the way without a frown.
I'm a changed person.

Journal #55
I now realize that this isn't the right path I was destined to take. I can't stand this place! I miss my family, this place makes me just want to break down and cry. I've gotten into a lot of fights, but it wasn't the right thing to do, because in the end you still loose. They get you back, and then what do you do? The same? It never ends this fight over color or race. It's all the same, pointless. Your friends really couldn’t care less; it's those that tell you to stop that really care.
My mom is scared that I might get shot or stabbed. I was like," Blah, blah, blah." Now I can see why she told me all of that. I now can see that the pistol is right in front of me, pointed at my head. One mistake and I could get filled with lead. I'm stuck now, I want to go back and tell my mom I love her, without having her drive all this way just to see me. I want to scream out," I want out of this life!" But, suicide is not the answer. What won't kill me, will make me stronger. I plan to be strong enough to say no to the homies, and go the right path straight to my home. They say a person can never change their ways. If so, I will be the first to do it in my own way.

Journal #56
Going from elementary to middle school was always exciting for me. I was the one who always had the goals of finishing middle school and going to high school. I had my goals all planned out. I was already bragging about it.
First year in middle school was the best year. All A’s and B’s. I was always proud of myself and my grades. During the end of 7th grade, I started going out with boys and started ditching school, not caring about my grades or my attendance. Summer started and I had summer school, but I didn’t care about it anymore. I started drinking, going out late and started smoking weed.
8th grade started and I started smoking dope. My parents found out when I was arrested by the cops and put into a drug program. After that I was suppose to be on probation, but I kept ditching school and started getting into fights. I didn’t graduate from middle school, but I got into high school because the counselors were tired of seeing me in the office.
High school came and I started at ******* High School. Both of my sisters went to that school too. One was a senior and one was a sophomore. I got kicked out. I never went to school; I was always ditching and going to get high with my homies. I got dirty drug tests and I kept coming back to juvenile hall. Now I have six months, but I only sixty days left. Two more months and I’ll be home going to school and being a better person.

Journal #57
I’ve always thought of myself being successful in life until two years ago. I now think I am going nowhere. I feel as if the road to success isn’t success at all. It is prison and death. I don’t want to be on this path, but it is so much easier to go down. All I’m trying to say is I don’t like the path I am on, the road I wanted was blocked. It didn’t want me anymore. Until that road opens up again, I don’t know where I will be. I’ll either be dead or in prison just because of a slip up. Now I won’t see the grassy field or a family with kids. I’ll see bricks and barbwire fences.

Journal #58
My goal is to own a house
Instead of renting an apartment getting my food eaten by a mouse
But money ain’t what life’s really all about
So dry off your tears and blow out them boogers from your snout
Spit out them nugies from your mouth
Stay out of problems
Cause getting locked up doesn’t solve em
I only want the things that’ll get me through life
And when I say that I ain’t talking about no wife
Cause things like that don’t matter
I don’t care if or if not my pockets get fatter
As long as my cash stays decent
I’m incarcerated not recent
This is the life of someone who fouls
And makes money off the drugs that he sells
But I’d rather be working
Instead of being mad at the world while proving
I mean to make dollars at a job
Because all I do is keep getting locked up when I rob
I don’t want sight of another bong
All I’ve been threw I now know right from wrong


Journal #59
Hours are long, minutes are short
As the seconds pass, I like this place more
I know I'm bad, I know I'm wrong
Let's get together and sing this song
When I dream all alone, in my backyard getting stoned
I'm always dreaming of my home, with my girl on the phone
So roses are red, and violets are blue
When I leave here, I hope I'm new
I'm feeling crazy I'm feeling high
I'm smoking so much, and I wonder why
So I'm going to stop so my mom won't cry
Wipe those tears off of her eyes

Journal #60
Right now I am on the wrong path. I’m on a path that will take me either out of this world or to prison. I have made my way down this path with my own decisions. Nobody made me skip school or do drugs or any other kinds of bad decisions I have made. I now realize this because I have ended up in this detention center. My younger brother has been following my footsteps. Knowing this, it is one of the many reasons I want and need to change my path.
I need to be a better influence for him and to show him right from wrong. My only options at this point are a group home far away or to move to Oklahoma with family I barely know. These are the harsh consequences of my actions. If I’m lucky I might get another option with my friend’s mom to gain custody of me. She is trying just as hard as I am. She is my role model and the person who is helping me change my life around. I’m so thankful somebody wants to help. I know I can’t expect her to do everything for me. I need to take anger management and do all the other things required to let me change my life for the better and to try to help my brother.

Journal #62
I don’t know what to write. I’ve been in here for four months. I am in a gang and although I am down, at the same time I don’t want to end up in prison. Prison, I am right under it. The only reason I am not there is because I am only fifteen years old. I am supposed to do things normal fifteen year olds do, but I don’t. I fight, drink, sell, and carry a gun. I want to turn my life around. I want to get a real job. Prison is not for me.

Journal #63
I got a problem
with you
with my parents
with friends
with drugs
with crime
with probation
with cops
with myself
with the world
But I don't know why.