Summer 2009 Writing Exchange II

Entry # 20
I AM
I am Lost and Alone
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I hear the cries of other innocent young women
I see the torture and humiliation
I want to escape this curse

I am Lost and Alone
I pretend that everything is going to be okay, all
I feel is pain and exhaustion, like I’m suffocating
I touch the rough textures of these walls
I worry that I will never escape
I cry silent tears

I am Lost and Alone
I understand how it feels to be tortured and humiliated
I say that “I’m okay,” when people ask, even though I’m not
I dream about my freedom
I try not to get my hopes up
I hope that one day I will escape

I am Lost and Alone
I created this path that I am walking on
I sing these words, as a way to reach out and ask for help
I work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week,
Just to see another day
I love things that I cannot have,
And that’s why
I am Lost and Alone

Entry #21
The tent shakes. I jump up, wondering what the hell just woke me up. It was my mom. She said, “Come on buddy, get up.” So I unzip my sleeping bag and throw on one of my three dirty shirts and hop out of the tent. It was around March 17th, 2005 and I had missed school for two weeks. I asked my mom, “What’s up? Why do I have to get up?” She replied, “We’re movin out. I’m sick of living in this camp site.” So I packed up my tent and my two pairs of clothes and waited for the cab. I asked, “Where are we going?” My mom stated, “We are going to another camp site. This place will have hot showers and they’re cheaper too.” So, the cab arrived, I hopped in, and we were off.

Entry #22
Today my uncle gets out of prison. He’s been there for four years, but it feels way longer. Right now I’m full of mixed emotions: I’m sad because I can’t be home when he gets out, but I’m happy for him at the same time. So much has happened since he has been gone. Last November his wife overdosed on meth and died. He also hasn’t been able to spend one day with his 3 year old son outside of prison visits. My uncle is like a dad to me. He was the only male figure in my life growing up. In his letters he talks about doing things as a family again. But now I’m worried that won’t happen because of my own problems with the law and drugs. If things go as planned I will be able to be with him soon, but lately I’ve been thrown a lot of curve balls. Now I’m just awaiting the unknown. One day I know things will be better.

Entry #23
I remember when I was eight and half. The person I thought was my real dad walked out on me. Three months later I got a call from the hospital, telling me my brother was hit by a car and he had a short time to live. That same day my mom got served with court papers saying my real dad wanted to meet me for the first time. I was nine years old. The person I thought was my dad was my step father and my real father lived three blocks away. The first time I met him I was twelve years old. I didn’t know what to say. My whole life was I lie. By the time I was thirteen I moved in with my real dad, finding out I had three sisters and two brothers I never met. By fourteen I had lived with my dad for a year, and me and my sisters had bonded really well. When I was fourteen and half the cops came and took me to my mom’s. When I was fifteen I moved back in with my dad and just when I thought life was going good again, a cop showed up at my dad’s door and served me with court papers. A week later I went to court and got locked up for a month and half. The judge said I have to live with my mom again when I get out. I love and miss my family and hope one day we'll be back together again. I pray every night for that day.

Entry #24
ChAnGe
I was very young, and he was violent
I remember her crying, I got silent
I heard what he said to her and on the inside she was dying
I saw him throw her against the stairs
I worried every night because he was the one I feared
I thought her life was over and done that nothing was left of her to become
But, I want change.
I am who I always will be
I think my life is good to me
I need to do what I should’ve done because I want to be strong
I try to go to school and do my best
I feel anger and lots of regret
I forgive him now for he didn’t no what he was doing and
Now I can change.
I will be so good to me as I live a better life
now I am free

Entry #25
I miss my family. I miss hugging my brothers and sister. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss ridding around on my bike. I miss playing video games and playing football with my brothers and friends. I miss going to school and seeing all my friends. But instead of doing all those things, I’m in juvenile hall: going to school all summer, not seeing my friends, brothers, and sister. I’m not free.

Entry #26
I remember the night my great grandma passed away. She was only 82 years old living in a convalescent home with Alzheimer disease. My grandma and I would always go visit her throughout the whole week. She would ask when she was coming back home. We didn’t know what to tell her. She started getting sick and she wouldn’t eat. She got very skinny it looked like she was just skin and bones. It was sad to watch her die like that. One night my grandma and I went to visit her but we didn’t know it was going to be the last night we saw her. We walked in her room; she was asleep. She looked so peaceful. I went over there to run my fingers through her hair and my grandma told her that we loved her. My grandma and I were there for about 30 minutes then we left. We got home and were there for about an hour until we heard the phone ring. By the sound of her voice I knew it was bad. She looked at me and said “she passed away”. I started crying out loud. My grandma told me everything was okay but I still kept crying. My grandma told me that the lady on the phone asked if she wanted to see the body before they took her out. We drove over there and I wanted to be the first person to see her body. I was the first one to walk through the door and see her. Her eyes were closed but her mouth was still open. My grandma told me it was open because she had taken her last breath. At the funeral my cousin and I sang one of her favorite songs. I will always remember that day.

Entry #27
Early one morning I ran away from home. Mom and dad still asleep, they didn’t know I took a gun from dad’s closet. I walked for an hour. Then I finally came to a gas station and asked the guy for a pack of smokes. He said he wanted to see an I-D. That is when I pulled out the gun, but when I took it out the girl that worked in the store called the police quickly. They arrived really soon. The man said to go outside. I saw 6 cars and no cops. Then one of them yelled for me to get on the ground. I put up my hands and got on my knees. A cop came up and twisted my arms behind my back, pushed me to the ground and then he cuffed them. Then I was pulled up from the ground and taken to the cop car. Eventually I was taken to the station where I waited for almost an hour before a female cop arrived to take me to the hall. Before we could go to the hall we had to go and sit in the hospital for a long time it seemed. Then we finally went to the hall.

Entry #28
I am the echo of a small bright sparkle on a cold dark surface.
I understand that I shall never lose my shine, no matter how rough this world can be.
I ignore the hands that have a hold on my feet, because they will never be strong enough to bring me down.
I dream with my blue eyes, wide open and alert.
I try to make these dreams come alive in front of my eyes.
I hope with my whole heart that I can burry my addictions deep beneath the ground, so that I may soon enough be able to be free of the chains that disable me from moving.
I am the echo of a small bright sparkle on a cold dark surface.
I create images in my mind of happier times, so that I might be free of this nightmare surrounding me.
I work for a life that might not exist, but might also be right in front of my fingertips.
I put a smile on my face, maybe not a smile for how things are now, but for what they could be in the future.
I am the echo of a small bright sparkle on a cold dark surface.

Entry #29
I said I wouldn’t do it again, but I did
And now I’m back here, paying for it.
This is a habit that I am too comfortable with.
I want it to stop,
I want to break the cycle.
This has gone on far too long.
Hopefully this will be the last return
Hopefully I can leave it all behind
This will just be a part of my past.

Entry #30
I remember that first day I got locked up. I was full of anger and hate.
If you really knew me you would know that I really miss my girl and my family. You would know I am a good hearted person who tells the truth and is loyal.
I miss my family, my girl, and my friends. I miss my bed and my hot showers. I miss my dog and my room. I miss my school and my teachers. I miss my freedom most of all. I miss the sunny days and the cool wonders of the night sky.

Entry #31
I remember moving to this County and continuing my bad choices and habits. I had already been arrested 5 times and had 11 curfew tickets for being out on the streets too late. By the time court came around, I was doing things I thought I would never do. I would steal money from my own parents and spend it partying. That all stopped the day I went to court and the judge said, “Detain him.” Those words hit me like a freight train at full speed. At that time all that went through my head was, how can I be such a bad person and make this happen? I got to the juvenile hall intake and a big, tall man gave me hall clothes and told me to change into them. He took me to the pod and said, “Head up to room ten.” I sat in my room wondering how I could change my life and quit being a criminal. 97 days later I got out on probation and on EMP (ankle monitor). I spent the whole summer sitting at my house. After finally getting off EMP, the worst thing happened. I got into a fight and my PO found out.

Entry #32
If I could take back some things that happened to me I would start with my dad leaving or even not letting my mom start using dope, so she could take care of the family that was slowly falling apart. I would take back the pain, the tears, the cries, and the violence. Let me stop right there. I know I can’t take back any of those things, but I know I can get a new start when I get out.

Entry #33
I hate you because nothing ever goes my way.
I hate you because you are always yelling at me.
I hate you because you made my life miserable.
I hate you because I am not as reliable as you are.
I don’t hate you.
I hate myself.

Entry #34
6:30 AM My dad comes in and wakes me up saying my aunts in the hospital and to get in the shower and get dressed.
6:55 AM I’m out of the shower, dressed, and we get in the car, heading for the hospital.
7:40 AM We arrive at the hospital and wait for my aunt to get out of surgery. She’s got two bullet wounds.
9:30 AM My aunt gets out of surgery, but she’s still asleep from surgery, so we sit and wait.
2:30 PM My aunt finally wakes up. My dad asks her if she knows who did it. She says that it’s the same people that jumped my cousin.
3:30 PM My aunt falls back to sleep. Me and my dad get in the car and drive back home.
4:20 PM We finally get home and I pull out a sack and ask my dad if he wants to smoke with me to calm his nerves as well as mine.
Sometime later that night, I just finished the fifth of E&J and decide to walk to the park. Then I see the same group of people who jumped my cousin. I wake up the next morning in the hospital with seven stitches in my head and a concussion.

Entry #35
I was an innocent young teen
I remember the day I lost my grandpa
I heard my mom say he was dead
I saw my grandfather lying in the casket
I worried about how my family would take the loss
I thought I wouldn’t make it without him

But I want to change…
I am a strong, beautiful African American girl
I think that life has a purpose for everyone
I need to be a better person for myself
I try to change for the better but it’s hard
I feel proud of myself for my success
I forgive my dad for not being there when I needed him the most

Now I can change…
I will make better choices
I choose not to get involved with bad influences
I dream of being a better person
I hope that I make it to college
I predict myself being a lawyer
I know I will succeed if I try

I will change..

Entry #36
I can’t understand why I want to cry.
I can’t understand why I can’t be with my baby brother.
I can’t understand why I can’t go home and tickle the crap out of him.
I can’t understand why I’m so confused.
I can’t understand why my girlfriend left me.
I can’t understand why this life is so strange.
I can’t understand why I hear all these voices.
I can’t understand why I sing so much.
I can’t understand why I’m so horny.
I can’t understand why everything is spinning round and round.
I can’t understand why I want my ex.
I can’t understand why I keep thinking about sex.

Entry #37
Now Come Changes
I was a thugged out gangster with no love or no heart
I remember being posted on the block with a gun tucked in and selling drugs in the dark
I heard sirens; it was cops so I had to run
I saw this black and gray suit chasing me, reaching for his gun
I worried about not surrendering or putting up a gun fight
I thought to myself, I can’t do this, just get caught and call it a night
But I want to change
I am a lovable young man who cares what I do to make my parents glad
I think of setting goals for myself to get what I never had
I need a quite place to rest my head and redeem myself from bad stuff
Now I try to be trustworthy, responsible
And be a good role model, not in the cop’s car in hand-cuffs.
I feel that I can make it through this pain and suffering if I stay out of the hood.
I forgive myself for what I do that is up to no good.
Now I can change
I will be walking up the stage to receive a key to a lot of doors.
I choose to do good and not bad anymore.
I dream of better days every time I lay down.
I hope this evilness goes away and doesn’t come back around.
I predict everything is going good with me, my kids and wife.
I know I could do better and focus on opportunities that I get in life.
I will change

Entry #38
I should be a roll model, showing my little sister and nephews how to live life. I should be out instead of locked up. I should be getting a job, showing them at least this first thing. I should be telling them, actually showing them how to be or what everyone in the family would expect them to be. I should be doing things that will show them how to be successful and not go the route my life is on right now. I should be telling them that it isn’t tight to look at white bricked walls and listen to cell doors slam the rest of their lives. I should be out spending time with them, telling them that I want them to become somebody and not ruining their lives and being pieces of crap like I am. I should just wish to be a different person, the best role model in the family for my sister and nephews.

Entry #39
I don’t understand why I have to stay here 180 days.
I don’t understand why my dad would call the cops on me.
Now I’m in the hall not making money or getting paid.
I don’t understand why we have such big troubles in our family.
I don’t understand why I’m locked up.
I don’t understand why I’m writing or why me and my dad are always fighting.
I don’t’ understand why I have so many troubles. It seems every time I do good, something has to come along and pop my bubble.

Entry #40
6 AM I wake up to a bright light shining in my eyes and can’t fall back to sleep.
6:10 AM My door makes an annoying voice when it opens to let me know it’s my turn to take a shower.
6:15 AM I am back in my room after a cold 3 minute shower.
6:30 AM I think about how much I hate this place and don’t ever want to come back.
7:30 AM Again, I wake up to that annoying noise of my door opening, telling me it’s time to eat.
2:55 PM School is over and staff tells us, “Take it down.”
3:00 PM I think about how terrible my life has been going the past 6 ½ months.
4 PM I get my mail from staff to find out that my girlfriend has been hearing I cheated on her and how are we suppose to be together when I’m always locked up? I read we are broken up.
5:30 PM Back in my little brick room thinking bout why I can never seem to stay out of trouble.
8 PM I talk to one of my best friends and find out that his mom is in the hospital and that he has been having a bad summer.
8:30 PM I talk to my dad and hear about how all my family are worried about me and every time my dad talks to my mom, she’s crying because she thinks it’s her fault I’m a bad kid.
9:00 PM I’m in the cell for the night, thinking about how I need to straighten my life out before I go to prison.

Entry # 41
Change
I was very careless, crazy, dumb, and young.
I remember my parents getting divorced and my family falling apart.
I heard my mom had another man and that we were moving in with him.
I saw many gang members and drugs try and come my way.
I worried that if I wouldn’t hang with them I wouldn’t be good enough.
I thought I was going to end up at J.J.C. for a while.
But, I want to change.
Now, I am caring, neat, respectful, quiet, and hard working.
I think staying in school and behaving is the best thing to do.
I need to get out of here a.s.a.p. and be responsible for my life.
I’ll try to stay out of here and succeed in life and stay away from trouble.
I feel sad, depressed, lonely, frustrated, but also excited for when I get out.
I forgive my mom for lying in court about me and my step sister for snitching on me.
Now I can change.
I will not ditch school and I’ll try to have a positive attitude.
I choose to act different in school so I can get better grades.
I dream about being happy with my boyfriend and my family.
I hope my mom can someday accept him and my mistakes.
I predict myself graduating and having a really good job.
I know I will stay away from violence.
I will change.

Entry #42
I can’t understand why I wanted those cigarettes.
I can’t understand why I took that gun.
I can’t understand why I snuck out.
I can’t understand why I feel so bored.
I can’t understand why I feel so depressed.
I can’t understand why I hear voices.

Entry #43
The last few months I was out I was doing pretty bad. I’ve got a bad addiction to meth and heroin. I still haven’t seen a change in myself, but since I’ve been back in juvi, all the staff have told me I’ve been acting weird. I thought the first couple of weeks I was in here that I was acting odd because I was coming down, now I don’t know why. I wonder if the people on the outs think I’ve changed too. But that’s the least of my problems. The third day I was here I had court and I got to talk to my mom for the first time since she found out about my addiction. She looked so sad and the days before I got locked up she broke up with my step dad after five years. Now he wants the house and we aren’t going to have anywhere to live. I guess we can move back to my grandma’s. And, my sister has been wanting to try heroin and meth, because of me and I’m the only one that can stop her, but I’m locked up.

Entry #44
Locked Up
I’ve been locked up for half of my life.
Juvenile Hall, CYA, group homes, and now ROP.
I’ve been locked up for all my school years.
What do I do? I keep trying to break that cycle of my family, but every time I try, I just come back to square one.
Now I’ll be gone until my 18th, so I guess this is it. No more little juvi. It’s the big house now.

Entry #45
6AM I was passed out when I was awoken by my PO. I woke up, opened my door, and looked down the stairs. He told me, “Put your hand’s up where I can see them and walk down here.” I walked down as they pulled my little brother out of the shower and they told us to sit down.
6:30AM They started to look around my room and they found a lot of gang stuff that I am not to have. My PO walked towards me asking whose stuff it was. I looked at my little brother and back at my PO and told him, “It’s my stuff.” He was talking to my brother now: “If that’s the only thing we find your brother is going in and you will stay at home on EMP.
7AM The CHPD told my PO to come upstairs because they found something. They found a gun in the house, came downstairs, and grabbed me and my little brother. They put us in the transport and took us to the hall.
8AM We arrived at the hall and have been here since.
We went to court the next day and they told us they only got us for a VOP. Now were doing months instead of 8 years in C.Y.A.

Entry #46
Present: The person in my life who made the biggest impact was my little brother. Before he was born I was the single child. I want to turn my life around because I have to think of him. I don’t want him to be like me. I want him to be better and not be a trouble maker. I love my little brother. He’s the only one that I have; I don’t have a dad either so it’s all bad. I will change my life for my little brother, so he will be better than me. I would hate for my brother to turn out like I am. I was bad and ignorant going down the wrong path.
Future: I was a follower instead of a leader, but now I know, I have to be a leader for my little brother as he looks up to me. I changed my life now and I’m doing good. My little brother is looking up to me. He is four years old following my footsteps, with a good head on his shoulders and a bright future.

Entry #47
During my 16 years of living, I have seen a lot of my family get locked up. My dad went to county for a couple of months when I was younger for Domestic Violence. My mom was also arrested when I was younger for fighting my dad. When they were in county I went to a foster home for 6 months.
My aunt has been in and out of prison most of my life. She just got off parole which I am proud of her for because I don’t want her to go back for 5 more years over meth. I tell her all the time to just put the pipe down. My uncle is in prison right now serving 7 years for drugs. My cousin’s also getting out of jail for drugs. My brother pays a visit every now and then for a drunk in public.
I’ve seen a lot of family go behind bars and now I’m doing 4-6 months. I can see a pattern that I don’t like. I have to straighten my life up or I’ll be in prison just like the rest of my family.

Entry #48
I can’t understand why I do the things I do.
I’m sitting here in juvenile hall wishing it wasn’t true.
I can’t understand why I keep messing up and coming back
But, I’m sure it’s because of the willingness I lack.
I can’t understand why I hurt the people I love.
I have to stop. I can’t push, I can’t shove.
I can’t understand why my mom keeps trying,
When all I do is keep on lying.
I want to let her know that I’m sorry and I love her so much.
I miss her smile, her laugh, and her touch.

Entry #49
I can’t understand why I keep getting locked up.
I can’t understand why I have to do what I do.
I can’t understand why I have to go on MAP or go to placement.
I can’t understand why my dad died when I was six.
I can’t understand why I don’t have freedom.
I can’t understand why I failed EMP (Ankle Monitor) two times.
I can’t understand why I keep flippen out in here.
I cant understand why I have to be 21 to drink a beer.
I can’t understand why…

Entry #50
I followed my older brother’s footsteps and did some of the stuff he did. Like him, I am locked up. I joined a gang, did lot’s of stupid stuff, and ended up here. My mama and pops would tell me I drank too much and smoked too much, but I didn’t listen. They told me that I would end up like my older brother and when I first got locked up, I realized I should have listened. One year later, I ended up back in here and heard both of my brothers are locked up as well. I feel so bad for my mama and pops because they’re going through so much. I followed my older brother and my little brother followed me. I guess that is how it is.

Entry #51
Angry thoughts consume my brain
I can’t wait til I find happiness again
Most days it seems so far away
The world keeps turning
But it seems I’m standing still
So many mixed emotions
Words can’t explain just how I feel
The soldier stomps the battle field
Starving for a fight
I know that I’ve seen better days
But can’t remember what they’re like
I’m a person with a life
But to the judge I’m just a number
For months and months no release
He leaves me here to wonder
How many tears can I shed until I’m drowning
I’m trying to fight it out
But I’ve got myself surrounded
I’m my own worst enemy
Don’t know what I’m gonna do
And I couldn’t stop myself
Even if I wanted to.

Entry #52
Being his lil sister is like giving me the world
Right by my side through thick and thin
Over the years we grew this bond and became best friends for life!
The times I was afraid and alone he was the one always there.
He’s the only one that I can talk to about certain stuff.
Even though sometimes he is far away, he’s still close at heart.
Rather hard times where I wanted to give up he told me to stay strong.
Showing me tough love and telling me to grow up has opened my eyes.

Many times I needed a shoulder to cry on: it was his I could lean on.
You’re my hero and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

Having you in my life and growing up with you has been an experience.
Everyday growing up without mom or dad we had each other.
Riding out the days and night as lil riders that we were at young ages
On the way is my baby and I hope that my baby sees you as his hero too